One more day

My wife has been out of town for 3 of the last 4 weeks.  She gets back tonight.

Today, as I'm sitting down to look at a recipe for dinner, my daughter comes in carrying a *mostly* empty pouch of berry applesauce.

"Dad, I'm sorry, I did this," she says and waves the pouch around in a large arc, "and made a mess."

As the pouch is waved in an arc, physics takes over and drops of red, staining sauce spray all over the white carpet I just spent hours cleaning a couple of days before.

5 hours, 42 minutes, 37 seconds to go....

A night in the life...

10:30 pm

My wife is out of town.  She's been out of town for days.  Most of the month, in fact.  I am home alone with the kids and somehow have managed to feed them and clean up a bit. But I am not getting enough sleep, so I decide to go to bed early (for me).  No writing this time.

11:30 pm

There is a loud thump that sounds suspiciously-but-not-quite like someone opening the door to our deck. It is followed ten seconds later by another.

I am frozen.  Sleep is replaced by fear.  I become a statue, silent, listening for any sound.  Is that a footstep or a cat?  One of the cats is busy eating a few feet from me so I cannot really listen all that well.

Ten minutes pass before I grab my flashlight and turn on the outside lights.

Ten more minutes pass before I actually get the courage to crawl out of bed and have a look-see.

Ten MORE minutes are spent searching with flashlight/nightstick in one hand and the other trying to keep the phone from sleeping so I can dial that last "1" in "9-1-1-" and press send at a moment's notice.

Eventually the culprit is discovered.  The neighborhood stray has been tormenting one of my cats (by simply existing within eyeshot of her) and said cat had decided to jump up and down against the window in an effort to mutilate her rival.

Ugh.  By the time I get back upstairs, lights off, adrenaline gone, it is 12:45.

6:30 am

Alarm goes off. I reluctantly get out of bed. Almost 6 hours of sleep three nights in a row is taking its toll.  I sneak to Sam's room to shut the door so Addy doesn't wake him.

6:32 am

Sam is awake.  I have to go to the bathroom, I can't deal with him crying right now so I cave and give him a pacifier - hopefully for the last time ever.  I make it to the bathroom only to discover that it was not a simple stomach ache; something I ate did not agree with me at all.  Hmmm... could it be the mac and cheese? Or the baked fish...

6:42 am

Addy's alarm goes off.

6:50 am

Addy is going to the bathroom, which is right outside Sam's room.  She decided to have a good, loud laugh with him.

7:00 am

Addy checks in on me, still on the toilet.

7:05 am

I am finally done, but now I don't have time to make Addy lunch.  She'll have to buy again.  Somehow, miraculously, I manage to get her stuff signed, get her breakfast, not wake Sam for the third time, and get her out the door by

7:20 am

Now I get to try to figure out if less than 6 hours of sleep is enough to function on.

stupid cat.

How not to be distracted

Wife sits down after putting the little one to bed and gets out her laptop to work on something important.

I turn off The Office so as not to distract her.

Several minutes pass.  "Dear," wife says, "let's put something on.  We don't have to sit in silence."

"Alright," say I.  I proceed to turn on Netflix's newest sci-fi, Lost in Space.  Wife does not like sci-fis. I figure we are safe.

We are not safe.

Netflix did a good job and wife is watching Lost in Space.

"Dear," wife says, "this is too distracting.  Put something less distracting on."

"Alright," say I.  I turn off Lost in Space and start scrolling through the vast library of things Netflix has to offer.  My list.  Action.  Comedy.  Action.  Action.  Comedy.  Intriguing Documentary.  Action.  Action comedy.  Time to look elsewhere.

"Dear," wife says.  "Why not try a nature documentary?"

"Alright," say I.  Perfect idea.  A dry British man droning on about fish.  Even when you're watching it you're not really watching it.  I go to nature documentaries and pick the first one.  Round Planet.  I figure we are safe.

We are not safe.

"The mother Polar Bear gives her cubs a taste of what nature has to offer by repeatedly biting them on the bum...  You just want to cuddle them don't you?  But you better not, or their mother will tear you open and spread your innards over the snow like water paints..."

What the hell did I turn on?

"Dear," my wife laughs.  She cannot say anything else over the giggles.

Alright," say I and quickly turn to something with David Attenborough.  We are finally safe.

British documentaries.  You never know.

Spencer's Money-Saving Tips for New Parents

So, you are thinking of having a kid.  In THIS economy!?  Then here are some money-saving tips from a stay-at-home dad that can make having kids affordable no matter your income!


1) When you order things, do it in bulk.  But make it count.  Don't just buy 100 diapers.  Buy 10,000!  This saves money and time.  Plus, if you do it online, you'll be left with boxes that can be used later!

2) Kids grow out of clothes very fast.  So hit those thrift stores, consignment sales, and the trash bins behind department stores!  When your kid outgrows a pair, don't give it away or sell it.  Cut up the ones you don't like into strips and sew them onto the legs and arms of the clothing you do like.  Make those clothes last as long as possible!

3) One of the biggest expenses when it comes to children is diapers.  They also are not very environmentally friendly. It doesn't matter if you go cloth or disposable, either.  On the one hand, cloth diapers cost a lot up front and use a lot of water, while on the other hand, disposable diapers are a constant purchase and ends up rotting in a landfill.  So save both money and the environment by using packaging material from your bulk purchases!  Packing paper surrounded by bubble wrap works wonders!  And if that fails, use puppy pads!  They can be placed anywhere and cost a lot less than diapers.

4) Bubble wrap also doubles as helmets, knee pads, and pillows!

5) Not only do kids outgrow their clothing, but they also outgrow their beds.  Remember those bulk boxes?  cut a few holes in the sides and they can be used as cribs and play pens.

6) Car Seats are expensive.  Duct tape is not.

7) Instead of buying baby gates to keep your little ones out of places they're not allowed to be in, simply erect monstrous totems made of broken toys, homework assignments, vegetables, and your abandoned dreams.  Not only will these effigies keep baby from wandering too far, but it will crush baby's spirit for years to come!

8) Babysitters are entirely unnecessary.  Instead, just give your baby a copy of Monopoly and she'll entertain herself for hours!  If you simply must have someone watch your child, burn one of your totems to summon Babeometh, the dark god of watching.

9) Baby food is expensive.  You can simply put your own meal in the blender to make a baby-safe meal for your little one.  And if you want to save more money, go dumpster diving behind the grocery store.  Baby has to build up his immune system somehow!

10) Coupons!

I hope these money-saving tips serve you well, but the most important one is to use your common sense and don't actually follow any of these tips.
I mean, who has time for cutting coupons?

Recurrence

This is a piece I wrote to practice some thoughts on a novel I am writing.  I will be reading it at a local Write Night later this month.  It is based on a true story about my older sister who died of cancer when she was a child.  Warning, it is a sad tale.

            “Are you warm enough?” I asked Lilly as the gravel crunched under our feet.  Her soft, panting breath hung in the air like a fog.  It was colder than we were used to in southern California.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said.  I didn’t have a coat to give her to stop her shivering, so I made sure she wore lots of layers, including my old flannel shirt.  It still didn’t stop her shivering. 

“Do you want me to carry you?”

She glanced at me, but that pout she was so good at wasn’t there.  “I’m eight,” was all she said.

I kept walking, but her footsteps stopped.  “Lilly?  What’s wrong?”

She was holding her midsection, her head down.  Although bangs covered her face, I knew she was crying.

“I don’t… want to go in there.”

My blood froze solid where I stood.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  “I know it’s hard,” I eventually said.  “We can make an appointment for next week.”

“I DON’T WANT TO GO IN THERE!” she screamed with a strength I haven’t seen from her in years.  The last time she made a noise like that the doctors were pushing a needle into her spine for testing.  Then, as now, I turned white.

“Dear, it’s okay.  I won’t make you,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. I knelt down before her.  She was nearly as pale as I was.  “But we need to stay strong.  When we go back to the hospital, I’ll ask if there’s any new procedures or something less-“

“No daddy.”  She leaned into me, sobbing, arms around my neck.  “I’m done.”  I don’t know how long I just held her as she trembled against me.  When her sobbing finally settled down, I wiped away her tears.

“You know what this means?” I whispered.  Any more than a whisper and she would be able to hear my heart breaking.

She nodded to me.  I picked her up and carried her back to the car.  She was lighter than I remembered, but the burden I bore had never been greater.

That was the last time I saw Lilly cry.  To this day I don’t know if those tears were the last remnants of hope flowing out of her or if she had simply come to peace with her fate.  I left that flannel shirt folded up on her grave in case she needed it and because it only reminded me of the day I saw my daughter lose the fight.