Yay Capitalism.

 Hello Hixonites!

Yes, I just came up with that term. You can all call yourselves that now.

I have been working hard to get this book done, though I'm working on other projects as well, and I'll be on vacation in a week so I'm trying to get done what I can before then.

As such, I thought it would be nice to finally utilize the domain name I've been paying for for several years now. I have a free site using Wix, and that's the same place I purchased my domain through.

What I find awkward is that I cannot use that domain, even though I'm paying for it, without upgrading from a free site to a not-so-free site. So what should cost something like $15/year will end up costing more like $219/year.

... yay.

Here's the rub. I want to be a successful writer, And making money takes money. I have no delusions that my debut novel will be some amazing, runaway bestseller or get any movie deals (but, honestly, it would make for an awesome movie or series). But I have to keep costs in mind.

If I sell my book at $15 and it costs, say, $7 to publish, that's a supposed net profit of $8. Let's take taxes out of that, assume 1/3, and that gives me a profit of about $5.33 per book sold. Now, there's going to be a cost to ship the book, most likely, and I don't know what that would be.
But now let's add in the cost of an editor and cover artist. For the sake of easy calculations, I'll estimate it all to $1200. Yeah, not cheap.
In order to pay for that, I need to sell about 225 books. BUT I also need to pay for advertising and I haven't looked into that, yet. How many more books must I sell just to break even?
Except now with this website nonsense, I wouldn't be breaking even. I'd need to sell at least 3 books per month to pay for the website.
If I go to a convention, I would need to pay for the table. Let's say it's $300. Just to pay for that table would require I sell 56 books.

I'm a new author, with a debut novel, no agent, an indie press, and minimal fame (if you can call 3.3k subscribers to the Board Game Rundown "fame").

Seems fairly obvious that breaking even with one book it not going to happen for a long time, if at all. I *need* to get more books and gain an audience. If I can sell 1k books online, I'd be cooking.

But all this ignores one, final, deadly calculation.

My value. I did the calculations. My first novel took a long time to write, probably about a year, give or take, if you only count the days I was able to write. And taking the time spent, that could've been 6 months full-time. But my second novel took about 4 months to write, but that wasn't full-time. If I wrote it full time it might have taken a month. That's ~160 hours.
If I want to make just $15/hour, I'd need to sell 452 books per month BEYOND what I would need to sell to break even.

This is kinda daunting and depressing, is it not? Writing has been my life-long dream. It was always in my plans, even when I wanted to be a paleontologist. But unless I write a LOT or make it big, there really isn't much money in it. I'm blessed that I have a loving, supporting wife who makes a lot more money than I'll ever make (I'd need to sell well over 1k books a month just to get close). And I do know and have met authors who earn 6 figures writing.

If I lived in a society that places human values over money, artists would get a stipend. But how do we do that? Well, everyone is an artist deep down inside. Instead of subsidizing oil and corn or throwing ungodly amounts of money at military contractors (and before you claim that we need to have a strong military and lowering their budget would make us weak, I'll have you know that the Defense Department is the ONLY federal agency that has NEVER passed an audit), we should just give everyone enough money to survive.
Some of us would be happy just having enough to get by, but most of us would want to earn more than that. However, having enough to get by means we can take risks. If I wasn't married to my wife, I would need to have a full-time job and write on the side, which is very difficult to do. If I didn't have to worry about having food and shelter from the elements, I would probably just write books because I know that if I fail, I'm not going to starve to death or end up on the street.

Sadly, we have decided that human value is directly tied to your income. By that rubric, I am worthless scum, for I cost a lot more money than I bring in. Forget the fact that I'm a stay-at-home dad who does chores around the house all day, volunteers at numerous nonprofits, and plays music for my church pro bono. According to capitalism, none of those things matter.

I like to think that they do. And so does art. Even if I touch just one person, I've made a difference with my writing. One of the things that keeps me going is the idea that my book(s) will be someone's favorite(s), they just don't know it yet. 

The Forever Family Emergency

Hello dear reader,

I do say "reader" because if you are reading this, you are probably the only one.

Something I've been going over with my therapist (yes, I have a therapist, everyone should have a therapist) is the fact that I tend to give myself far too much to day and then get overwhelmed. I need to give things a priority.

Priorities change.

As I'm getting ready to finish editing a novel on Friday night, I essentially get a desperate plea for help from my sister 250 miles away. Like a good person, I pack up and make the 4+ hour trek in the middle of the night.

To truly understand this situation, you're going to need some background.

My dad has hydrocephalus, which means there is essentially water on his brain, which is leading him to have dementia and what is more than likely Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's runs in his side of the family, so watching him deteriorate is like looking down the barrel of a gun that'll go off in 40 years.

My mom has had... issues her whole life, and I recently discovered that they are all symptoms of a mental disorder called "OCPD" - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not OCD. If you have OCD, you are compelled to do something but you don't really have a reason for it, you don't even want to be doing it but you don't have a choice. You must do it and if you don't it'll eat you up until you do. But with OCPD there is a thing you are compelled to do because it is Right and Good and only You can do it and Your Way is the Only Way to do it and No One Else can help you and God Help Anyone who tries to stop you. Another way of seeing it is that someone with OCD might seek treatment while someone with OCPD doesn't believe they have any condition at all and will likely resist treatment. It also comes with fun comorbidities, like hoarding. My mom has an issue with cleanliness... but she also has piles of crap everywhere, they're just sterile piles of crap. Oh, and then there's the manipulation, including breakdowns, lying, gaslighting, "I'm the victim" mentality, and undermining.

She believes she can care for dad, but she can't. Even the doctors said it is not a safe situation. For instance, 3 weeks ago, he blacked out and had to go to the hospital, which turned into dangerous, life-saving surgery and a 20-day stay. In the end, this was going to be a good thing, as it meant dad was going to have the treatment he needed. But some social worker put in some hospital notes that my dad was being belligerent. Well, yeah, it's called "sun-downing" and "recovery from brain surgery." But because of that note, the social worker pretty much ensured that no memory-care facility will take him now. And while my mom and sister were checking out the only one that would take him (which turned out to be a hard no), another social worker tried to get dad discharged, which meant he would have to go to the terrible facility or home. 

So I drove there to try to help get him home. Of course they decide not to discharge him when I arrive, and I end up wasting a whole day just trying to deal with my mom's OCPD. I gave up writing, I gave up playing music for church, I gave up recording the Board Game Rundown to help get my dad home, and of course an hour after I leave, mom is trying to force my dad to do things he doesn't want to do and they are yelling at each other. If he gets too defensive or belligerent, he could seriously hurt her and not mean to.

This is the problem.  I would call APS but now I know it will do absolutely no good. And my mom still insists on doing this all on her own. She needs help, in-home care at the very least. But she'll never accept it. She won't give us enough information to start an insurance claim. She won't let us assist her. She can't give up her obsession with things being clean. She utterly refuses to do anything about the piles of junk that have sprung up (oh my word, this story is the TIP if a massive shitberg that I just don't have time to write here). And she almost immediately started to lie to me and my sister and try to gaslight us. If you know me and my history, you'll know I find lying to be abhorrent. It's bad enough my son does it, but he's 7. My mom!? 

This situation is much larger than I've revealed here. When I tell people (generally professionals, like therapists or the Alzheimer's Association doctors, what have you) the whole thing, the reaction is always the same: "That's a really tough situation you're in." Yeah, I know. I'm watching my dad's brain deteriorate, knowing that may well be my fate, while my mom just makes it all infinitely worse and prevents us from helping. Tough doesn't come close.

This is all happening as I'm trying to get my first book published, starting an animation project with my brother and eldest sister, and trying to write/film a how-to-play. I'm feeling overwhelmed and my depression keeps trying to take hold again.

I can't wait for writing to become a priority again.

Editor Established!

I have procured an editor!

I am excited and I very much hope she is worth the cost. I'm also a bit nervous. But now, it is the waiting game.

Once she finishes, I get to go through all her notes and fix things. Hopefully that won't take too long. Then, COVER ART!

Of course... as I'm writing this, I realize now that I had intended to fix all those hyphens (- ) into m-dashes ( — )...

I thought I would give a quick overview of some of the ideas I have rattling around in here that I want to be made into books:

• An urban fantasy set in the same universe about a man trying to change his fate. (in editing stages as well)
• A sequel to the previous book. (currently writing)
• A sequel to my FIRST book. (been in the outlining stages for a while) which will bring in the previous two books as well.
• Potential sequel to that one.
• A creative nonfiction piece about my sister and having to deal with psychosis. (ALSO been in the outlining stages for a while, but I've got some research done on this one)
• A fantasy book/series about a dragon cursed to live as a human. (rough)
• A sci-fi about living on a planet that has been ejected from its star (rough)
• A tongue-in-cheek non-fic about adulting
• A fantasy series that I started writing ages ago.

So there's certainly not much need for inspiration as far as what the next book will be...

Welcome to Life

I know only a handful of people will read this (unless I somehow become extremely lucky and gain fame and notoriety that would put Beyonce to shame). I know I have a lot of work ahead of me if I’m going to start gaining a readership. I once had a good 80 or so people reading this thing you know!

But I’m going to do it.

It’s scary. I remember hearing someone say “you aren’t really afraid of failing, you’re afraid of succeeding.” Well, no, I’m definitely afraid of failing. I’m afraid that I’m either a terrible writer whose beta readers, friends, and family have all been lying to, or that I will become just another story of an amazing author kept down by his inability to market himself. But in a sense I am also afraid of succeeding.

I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to marketing and self-promotion. I used to be internet savvy, back when Numa Numa was still a thing. Not so much any longer. I’m using a few guideposts while looking for more. But I know I have my work cut out for me. I know it will be a ton of work that I’m unfamiliar with and might not be good at if I am going to succeed. And if I succeed, what will that do to the family dynamic? Our schedules will become complicated.

As an example, I am also one of the co-hosts of the Board Game Rundown on youtube and we’ve earned over 3.2k subscribers as of this writing. We’re talking about turning this gig into a paying job with hours and everything… which will mean writing and marketing and publishing and selling will all have to happen on off hours.

If I am successful, life will get complicated.

But I think it’s time for that. I’m 42, never had a real career, always had a hard time holding on to jobs (apparently have some self-respect is not something employers actually want), and have been spinning my wheels for 10 years. It is time I got my professional life started. I might be a late bloomer, but by God I’m going to bloom.