The Forever Family Emergency

Hello dear reader,

I do say "reader" because if you are reading this, you are probably the only one.

Something I've been going over with my therapist (yes, I have a therapist, everyone should have a therapist) is the fact that I tend to give myself far too much to day and then get overwhelmed. I need to give things a priority.

Priorities change.

As I'm getting ready to finish editing a novel on Friday night, I essentially get a desperate plea for help from my sister 250 miles away. Like a good person, I pack up and make the 4+ hour trek in the middle of the night.

To truly understand this situation, you're going to need some background.

My dad has hydrocephalus, which means there is essentially water on his brain, which is leading him to have dementia and what is more than likely Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's runs in his side of the family, so watching him deteriorate is like looking down the barrel of a gun that'll go off in 40 years.

My mom has had... issues her whole life, and I recently discovered that they are all symptoms of a mental disorder called "OCPD" - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not OCD. If you have OCD, you are compelled to do something but you don't really have a reason for it, you don't even want to be doing it but you don't have a choice. You must do it and if you don't it'll eat you up until you do. But with OCPD there is a thing you are compelled to do because it is Right and Good and only You can do it and Your Way is the Only Way to do it and No One Else can help you and God Help Anyone who tries to stop you. Another way of seeing it is that someone with OCD might seek treatment while someone with OCPD doesn't believe they have any condition at all and will likely resist treatment. It also comes with fun comorbidities, like hoarding. My mom has an issue with cleanliness... but she also has piles of crap everywhere, they're just sterile piles of crap. Oh, and then there's the manipulation, including breakdowns, lying, gaslighting, "I'm the victim" mentality, and undermining.

She believes she can care for dad, but she can't. Even the doctors said it is not a safe situation. For instance, 3 weeks ago, he blacked out and had to go to the hospital, which turned into dangerous, life-saving surgery and a 20-day stay. In the end, this was going to be a good thing, as it meant dad was going to have the treatment he needed. But some social worker put in some hospital notes that my dad was being belligerent. Well, yeah, it's called "sun-downing" and "recovery from brain surgery." But because of that note, the social worker pretty much ensured that no memory-care facility will take him now. And while my mom and sister were checking out the only one that would take him (which turned out to be a hard no), another social worker tried to get dad discharged, which meant he would have to go to the terrible facility or home. 

So I drove there to try to help get him home. Of course they decide not to discharge him when I arrive, and I end up wasting a whole day just trying to deal with my mom's OCPD. I gave up writing, I gave up playing music for church, I gave up recording the Board Game Rundown to help get my dad home, and of course an hour after I leave, mom is trying to force my dad to do things he doesn't want to do and they are yelling at each other. If he gets too defensive or belligerent, he could seriously hurt her and not mean to.

This is the problem.  I would call APS but now I know it will do absolutely no good. And my mom still insists on doing this all on her own. She needs help, in-home care at the very least. But she'll never accept it. She won't give us enough information to start an insurance claim. She won't let us assist her. She can't give up her obsession with things being clean. She utterly refuses to do anything about the piles of junk that have sprung up (oh my word, this story is the TIP if a massive shitberg that I just don't have time to write here). And she almost immediately started to lie to me and my sister and try to gaslight us. If you know me and my history, you'll know I find lying to be abhorrent. It's bad enough my son does it, but he's 7. My mom!? 

This situation is much larger than I've revealed here. When I tell people (generally professionals, like therapists or the Alzheimer's Association doctors, what have you) the whole thing, the reaction is always the same: "That's a really tough situation you're in." Yeah, I know. I'm watching my dad's brain deteriorate, knowing that may well be my fate, while my mom just makes it all infinitely worse and prevents us from helping. Tough doesn't come close.

This is all happening as I'm trying to get my first book published, starting an animation project with my brother and eldest sister, and trying to write/film a how-to-play. I'm feeling overwhelmed and my depression keeps trying to take hold again.

I can't wait for writing to become a priority again.