How to Dress an 18-month Old

Step 1: Undress your child.

      This will usually involve discovering that your child is a contortionist who can tie himself into knots.

Step 2: Pull the pacifier from his hand.

      It will not fit through the sleeve of his shirts.  Warning, he has the grip of a lumberjack.

Step 3: Grab the clothes.

Step 4: Realize that none of his clothes still fit him.

Step 5: Search his closet for more clothes.

       As you do this, attempt to hold your child.  When that fails, you have exactly 0.325 seconds before he has discovered a stash of 18 pacifiers and other toys, which he will now hold in one hand.

Step 6: Find the only items of clothing that still fit him.

       They will not match.  They will be ugly.  You will have never seen these items of clothing before.  Scientists are still trying to determine where these clothes come from.

Step 7: Find your child

Step 8: Wrestle your naked child to the ground and try to put his shirt on.

       This will fail.

Step 9: Attempt to remove all 18 toys and pacifiers from your child's bear-like grip.

Step 10: Put your child's shirt on.

       At this point he will become a limp noodle with epilepsy.  I recommend growing a second set of arms.

Step 11: Curse whatever dark god decided to put actual buttons on a shirt for an 18-month old.

Step 12: Grab some duct tape.  It will make putting the shirt on much easier.

Step 13: Repeat steps 7 through 10.

Step 14: After duct taping the shirt on, put your hand through the leg hole in your child's pants (starting at the bottom), then hold your child by one leg as he twists like a kite in the wind and pull the pants up his leg.

Step 15: Attempt to do the same thing to the other leg.

Step 16: After he kicks off the first pant leg, repeat steps 14 and 15 ad nauseam.

Step 17: Realize you forgot to grab socks.

Step 18: Thank the stars that your child somehow still fits into the 0-6 month socks.

Step 19: Repeat step 7.

Step 20: By now you are a master of putting on clothing.  Use that magic to make the socks materialize on your child's feet.

Congratulations!  You have successfully put clothes on your 18-month old!  If they're on backwards, no one will notice.

Tip: Change his diaper first.  I hope you read this before attempting to change his clothes.