What to do, what to do?

Normally at night, I know exactly what I want to do.

I usually want to write, even if I spend all day writing.

Sometimes I want to roleplay.

Sometimes I want to play a game.

Rarely, I want to watch something. This one is new. In the past, the guilt of not having finished my own book made me want to see other people's stories less and less. Now I'm starting to get interested, but I'm still discerning. More and more, I'm interested in anime, probably because I'm more likely to find fresh ideas there.

But since last night, I can't figure it out. Since reading about a senseless murder, one that could have been anyone, I've been unable to focus my mind.

I keep thinking about what would happen if that had been my wife. I keep worrying about what could happen to my trans son, who is just trying to be himself and not bother anyone.

Right now, I don't think I can write at night. But i have to do something to distract myself.

A Treatise on Free Actors

Yeah, warning, "politics" ahead. I was told to avoid politics, but the things that are now sorted under that term are things that should very much not be associated with politics.

Free Thinking is a phrase that gets thrown around enough that it is in danger of losing any appreciable meaning. This is a phenomenon called "semantic satiation." There are a lot of words that suffer from this, and, as a writer, I try keep on top of things like that. I tend to avoid superfluous words and phrases, but I seriously doubt anyone can avoid them all. Such phrases are part of the human experience.

Unfortunately, it's not always as benign as this. "Socialism", "Capitalism," "Fascism," "Nazi," and "Freedom of Speech" are examples of terms that have been overused and misused to the point of them losing any real meaning for most people. But in these instances, it's not an accident. There are those who know that saturating the zeitgeist with these terms waters them down, and that's mostly because they're either terms that describe the people who don't like them or terms that threaten their agendas. 

"Free Thinking" is getting there, but it's not there yet. It's hand-in-hand with "Freedom of Speech." There is a difference. Freedom of Speech refers to government censorship, but by misusing and overusing it, people now evoke it whenever anyone disagrees with them or whenever someone says something that is utterly awful and doesn't want to suffer any consequences of their words.

I've noticed people using phrases like, "You're just afraid of free thinkers," to defend their terrible ideas and attack university education. They use words like "nonconformist", "maverick", "individualist", and "iconoclast." The problem is that none of them are, indeed, free thinkers.

Most of the time, "free thinking" refers to religious situations, but it can also apply to political ones. It's supposed to define people who refuse to accept socially accepted terms, boundaries, and ideas. They certainly understand them, but instead of letting themselves be defined by a certain term ("I identify as a democrat, therefore I must be pro-choice"), they use these terms to help describe who they really are, and usually this means they don't fit perfectly into any specific group of people. Right now, I've seen more and more people use this word and words like it to defend their conspiracy nonsense or justify doing terrible things.

Free thinking is fine and all. I think everyone should practice it; I'm concerned that very few people actually are. But it is secondary to what I feel is a problem that is plaguing this country, and in fact, the world.

What happens when you turn thoughts into actions?

Such "free actors" can change the world. They become inventors, innovators, writers, artists, activists. But they also can become despots, behind-the-scenes manipulators.

Why am I bringing any of this up?

Because someone with a conscience, a working mind, who does not limit themselves by certain concepts, and who is willing to act on their morals, is rare and is needed now more than ever.

I've come to this conclusion by watching what's happening in Venezuela, Israel, Russia, and the USA. Some manipulative, narcissistic monster is given power and starts giving orders, orders which are objectively evil and frequently illegal. And the result? People do it. 

I thought that, when the military was sent as a police force against its own people based on an obvious and provable lie, the military would refuse this order. It's a clearly illegal order and members of our military are required to disobey illegal orders. But it happened.

I thought that, when hired to demolish part of the White House, no contractor would touch the job until it was handed down to them by congress. It takes seconds of research to find that the president does not own the White House and has no say in such projects. But contractors were all too happy to demolish a part of our history, no questions asked.

Trump has been ordering and doing things that still make me sick to my stomach and surprise me in their audacity and wickedness. And yet, no one is stopping him. 

In an ideal world, there would be enough free actors around that they would, at the very least, provide substantial roadblocks to things like this. I understand that dictators fill their government with cronies and yes men who enable this shit, but at some point down the line, it comes to normal people to do these things. Considering how unpopular the current administration is, you'd think there would be pushback, that ordinary people would realize how much they outnumber these sycophants and monsters. 

This is OUR government, OUR people, OUR country. A random announcement or tweet should not be enough for us to surrender a little bit more of it to a felonious child rapist. We need more people willing to act in defiance of this burgeoning fascist state.

My Thought on A.I.

 Before I get into it, yes, I know it’s actually a LLM, basically just a very sophisticated predictive text.

As an author, I’ve been dealing with A.I. for years. Long before ChatGPT even existed, there were programs you could pay for that would write anything you wanted in whatever style you liked. They started using them to write news articles and clickbait (sorry but “Groom upset that Bride asked her ex to walk her down the aisle” is not real).

But AI has done more than that. I used to freelance. I wrote websites and other content in exchange for money. But I had to stop. Once those programs came out, I couldn’t keep up. “Why not use them yourself?” you ask? Ethics and integrity aside, it’s not that simple. If I went to a freelance writing site, I’d find a handful of people from third-world countries applying to every single job. They then used AI to do the work for them. But they could afford to ask for a pittance. I could not afford to work for those prices, even if I did use AI, because I have a higher cost of living in the US. Now it’s even worse because the jobs themselves are drying up (why pay someone when I can get chatGPT to think for me?)

So I’ve been pretty vehemently anti-AI for a while.

I get the appeal, or at least some of it. AI can make cover art. It can edit (kinda). It can help you brainstorm (kinda). It can make rough drafts. Hell, it can just make the book. Now, I have artist friends, so I know how terrible it’s been for them. That’s why I will always pay an artist to make my covers. And I’m also better at editing and writing and plotting than any AI. They are trained on a lot and end up becoming an average.

But what I don’t get is why you would bother. A fellow writer recently defended it, saying most of the authors in the Con scene are using AI in some capacity. I hope to GOD she’s wrong. Because if you don’t enjoy it… stop. Trust me, we know when there’s no passion for it. The industry is now flooded with slop. And AI is now training on slop. It’s just going to get worse. But not in the way you might think.

If you are using AI for even something as benign as asking the capital of Rwanda, you are outsourcing your thinking, your critical thinking skills. They did a study recently of people who have used ChatGPT for 4 months and already found significant loss of cerebral function. Let me reiterate that for.

Generative AI literally makes you stupid.

I kills critical thinking, it kills imagination, it kills the ability to determine quality.

Seriously, if you want a story, GO GET A BOOK. I guarantee you there’s one already like it. If you want to write, WRITE IT YOURSELF. The act of writing it makes it so much better. And it makes me better. If you are a student, GET OFF CHATGPT because it may well be causing permanent, long-term damage to your future.

We all want product now. Capitalism has won. We’ve forgotten that the act of creating is the point.

Authors

Being an author is not easy, especially if you're new. There aren't a whole lot of classes to teach you what you're doing wrong and how to do things right. Keeping up with social media is something I am terrible at, partly because I'd rather be writing and partly because I don't really want to be on social media any longer.

This is why it's great having other authors to talk to, especially successful ones. I have been doing that for years, gleaning bits of wisdom here and there, but recently I've become much more involved. I joined SFWA, I've met with SFWA authors, I shared a table with Chris Schmitz (and will do so again in August), and I've shared the stage with Cat Rambo. And, honestly, I feel like I've found my peeps.

When Cat Rambo, Aja Ellington, and I were being interviewed on the radio, whenever one of us was answering a question, the other two were vehemently nodding in agreement. I'm looking forward to more conventions so I can meet more authors. To me, it's just as important as making sales and talking with fans.

I am part of a local author group that meets to discuss what we're doing, what's working, where isn't, etc. I'm hoping to continue helping Dr. Curtis put together more local author events. I'm going to start looking for anthologies I can submit pieces to. I want to be an asset to my fellow authors.

So maybe looking up?

I recently put together a newsletter where I listed all the upcoming events I will be involved in.

• I got contacted by Pan-O-Ply, the Michiana literary magazine, and they are going to feature my novel in their next edition!
• I will have a table at PopiCon in South Bend on January 31st and February 1st.
• I was contacted by a podcast, Author's Alcove about an interview. It is now set up for February 18th from 12:30 - 1:30. There will likely be a giveaway as well.
• I am putting together a local author event on May 1st at the Granada (lower level of the Morris Performing Arts Center). This will also be the release of my second book.
• I will have a booth at PopCon from June 27th through June 29th at the Indianapolis Convention Center
• I will be sharing a table at FanExpo Chicago later this summer

There's more. my brother and I are working on a number of animation projects and I think we're finally getting serious with them. with any luck, we'll have some out relatively soon!

Honestly, I am thrilled! This is a lot more than I was expecting! It leaves me time to write while also helping to get the word out and build my fan base. And I'm going to keep adding to this.

I plan on the Michiana Ren Faire, but I will keep researching. Keeping up a schedule like this is also going to force me to keep going forward. This is some very welcome news.

Now, to get back to finishing this audiobook!

Don't know what I am doing...

 Let's be honest here, I'm betting about 11 people will read this, and 7 of them will be bots. 

When it comes to crafting an excellent story, I'm your guy. When it comes to getting a following... not so much.

I honestly don't know how to do this. I'm going to try to learn how to market myself, but I have ADHD. From what I can tell, marketing is a LOT of consistent work, which is something I struggle with. Habits are not things I form. So when I'm told I have to post VIDEOS (I'm a writer and have no right being in front of a camera) 4 times a day... My brain shuts down.

Seriously, how can anyone do that? I can't think of that many things to talk about! And if I did, they wouldn't be interesting or apropos. Which I suppose brings me to the real issue.

I am doing this alone.

All those authors on BookTok, they have people. Either someone with knowledge/time is helping them, they have a team, or they have a budget. Or all 3. I don't. The rest are super-type-A people who scare me. Being a "content creator" is not something I've ever desired. If I was asked to choose between producing drivel but getting personal fame or producing good, meaningful work but no one knows I did it, I would choose the second in a heartbeat. I want my WORK to be famous. I don't want to be. Just knowing that people are reading something I wrote fills me with a sense of satisfaction and joy, even if they never know it was me. (That being said, I am not about to promote plagiarism. I'd rather have no name attached than someone else's.)

I looked up the cost of a marketing team and holy crap on a carp, I cannot afford that. We're talking 6 digits.

I have had great help from my brother and sister, and great help from my editor, artist, and publisher. But none of them have the ability to dedicate the kind of time I need to do the things I want to do. It means 1) I end up waiting for someone else while I sit in Limbo or start working on a future project, 2) I end up having to figure out how to do things myself. I am *truly* grateful for the work they've done, don't get me wrong. I couldn't do this without them. But I want to work at a faster pace than I have been. Making a Kickstarter campaign takes a huge amount of time and thought (which makes it so much suckier when it fails due to ad shenanigans and an election). That's time I could spend writing/revising/editing/reading. 

I'm working against the clock, here. I'm 43 now, and I've only got so much time left before my brain decides to self-destruct. If I publish 1 book a year, by the time I am finished with what I am currently working on, I will be 55. And believe me when I say I will never run out of ideas for novels. Good ones. I got started late and I'm scrambling to make up for all that lost time.

If all I do is write, no one will know my books exist to read them. If all I do is promote, I'll have nothing to promote. 

This seems to be a sucky pattern in my life. If I am given a position of authority or power, I end up faltering. As leader of my lodge, I had a ton of great ideas and got to implement none of them because I just couldn't get anyone motivated enough to actually partake. When I was doing my Eagle project, a parent tried to take over for me because the volunteers kept running off to work on my brother's project instead. I had to tell him that it was MY Eagle and I had to be permitted to fail. I recorded a "how-to-play" video for the Board Game Rundown which involved writing a script and working on the camera work and all sorts of things. I never got to see it because it kept getting pushed aside for other videos so the editor never got around to it. I had so many ideas for fun videos but I couldn't get anyone to *do* them with me. I have failed at *so many things* and I don't want this to be just another failure. I can't do it on my own, but I can't rely on others, either.

If I had the equipment and know-how, I'd have a little bit better of a chance. But honestly, what I need is someone who knows what they are doing and can do it in a timely manner. There's a big difference between posting 4 videos a day and posting 4 *good* videos a day. 

Being neurodivergent *really* doesn't help.

Another Campaign Done—Another Lesson Learned

The campaign for "Fate & Fortune" ended with a little over 200% funding (though there are some backers that need to update their payment methods).

It was only half as successful as "A Sinister Love." While that is certainly disappointing, at least it made it past the $1000 mark (which is where it pays for the art and editing). This means that I will need to sell it in person and possibly have a second Kickstarter later.

The deluxe edition is a bust, however. The cost of each book goes down depending on how many I order, but at 9, it will cost more to print them than I sold them for. I am going to have to order a lot of them and sell them in person or in future campaigns. 

I did not anticipate the election becoming an issue. However, a lot of authors have told me that it is messing up their campaigns as well. Let's just say that this election, and everything it has touched, sucks. I suppose this means that I will need to be aware of other major events that could mess up campaigns.

I also could not have foreseen the mess-up with the ads. In short, my ad account on Meta was suspended (through no fault of my own) on day 1 and I received no notice of it. I did not discover it until day 5. I'm not sure how to prevent this in the future besides checking all my ad sources on a regular basis. It was a perfect storm of incidents.

The feather/quill bookmarks were not enough of an incentive, apparently, for anyone to share the campaign on their social media. When I sold at NekoCon, people thought they were awesome, and I did end up giving almost all of them away. Perhaps they're just a thing that must be seen live to appreciate. I am going to have to do a lot more for the next campaign...

...which won't be for a while.

There's a lot on my plate besides sending out my newest novel.

I'm having a launch party for my first book on December 7th at the Culture Cafe here in South Bend, so I want to get the word out and see if I can get some sort of interest. There's a small chance I'll have copies of my second there as well.

I am going to take part in at least one anthology (and will be looking for more).

I have to start revising book #3.

I have to finish the outline and rough draft of book #4. (Not to mention numbers 5-infinity)

I have to figure out a timeline for the children's book.

I need ads up for A Sinister Love! I need to get audible to actually post it since they approved of it months ago.

I have several short stories I want to get printed.

I need to make certain my trademark goes through.

I have a video series I want to launch. The first one was already recorded.

I have 2 separate animation projects AND a pitch to work on with my brother.

And on top of all that, it's the holiday season, so there's already a ton to do. The 1-year anniversary of my father passing is coming up and I don't want it to go by without something planned.

So, with that, I must go prepare dinner and do household things. Tonight... well, I'll figure it out then.

Hoping the FBI calls me

That’s right, you heard me.

I’m hoping the FBI calls me.

Last night, while going through my email, I discovered an email by someone labeled “ANONYMOUS” with the subject line, “SPENCER redacted, EVERY BOOK YOU PROMOTE WILL BE ON PIRATE SITES”.

I normally would skip over such an email, but I noticed it had no attachments, and it insulted me from the get-go. That’s not a phisher’s M.O. So I opened it to an all caps torrent of threats that I will not repeat here. In short, he called out Fate & Fortune specifically (but not A Sinister Love), he said he’d use A.I. to steal and plagiarize every book I promote on social media or put on goodreads.com, claimed to be immune to the law, and said he was sending my family’s information to local criminals (though he was much more specific with the kind, the sort that needs to be on a registry).

I have not responded, nor will I. But I did learn about how email is sent and how to find the full header in an email. I learned about IPv4 and IPv6 (your computer’s address online will look very different between the two formats). I learned how to trace someone’s IP. And then I learned about “bogun” addresses—IPs that aren’t assigned and can’t be traced. Even with the help of my computer whiz friend, there wasn’t much more I could do (besides report him to his email provider, which I did). I discovered that he, or someone similar, has been sending terrorizing emails to other authors for over a year, sometimes with specific threats and sometimes with an arsenal of 1-star reviews. For an indie author, a bunch of 1-star reviews could be career-destroying.

Then it occurred to me that he threatened my family. Thanks to a recommendation by a colleague, I decided to take this threat seriously. It is most likely nothing, but I can’t know that. And my wife’s job means that blackmail or threats could quickly become a matter of national interest. So, I filed an FBI report. If anyone can find this guy, it’s them. They might not do anything, though if they call me that means they need more information and are doing something. And, yes, the temptation to gloat is a strong one.

Hopefully, he’ll get a visit from some agents soon and his days of terrorizing authors will be over.

The Toll of Writing Death

Dear readers, writers, and fans,

As may of you know, I have a prelaunch page for my second book up on Kickstarter right now.

Because of this, I've been trying to polish the manuscript up. Because I cannot help myself, I have done this while waiting for my editor, which just means more work for me. Yay, self!

She did give me one comment, however, that had me realize a few flaws and ended up in me rewriting the entire opening (4 chapters and then some). Don't worry, I've sent them to her. This meant that I had to go through the entire thing looking for anything inconsistent with the new opening, so I decided that while I was doing that, I might as well read it out loud to myself.

If you are a writer, you are doing yourself a major disservice if you aren't reading your works out loud at least once during your revising/editing process. It's incredible the things you miss until you actually physically hear it. Also, step away from it and work on something else for a while. It helps.

Once I'm done, I will get to work on a book tour and getting images, add-ons, rewards, etc. for the Kickstarter campaign. Expect it to launch in October.

It made me want to make a post about the use of present tense words in past tense passages (yes, you absolutely can do this). But that will (maybe) be later.

What I wanted to briefly address with this post is the emotions writing can evoke, and nothing evokes emotions as much as death scenes. (And no, it's not a spoiler. It's page 1.) I'll get to that.

Have you, as a writer, ever noticed that certain scenes are just hard to write emotionally, like you can't bring yourself to put your character through what you have planned for them? Not only that, but writing your character making a mistake, doing something stupid, makes me want to yell at them as I'm writing them doing it!

I have one scene in particular that is based on an event that actually happened to me (you'll have to guess). Every time I write it, my heart rate picks up and I feel my face and ears flushing. The funny thing is, though, that I'm not thinking about what actually happened to me when I'm writing it. The fact that it happened to me just makes it that much easier to step into my main character's shoes and see it better through his eyes. It feels a bit like method acting, but for novelists.

Torturing my characters in some way is almost a pastime for me. Yet, I feel the pain they are going through. And, conversely, I feel the vitriol in the villain doing the torturing, the sadistic glee. It's a rollercoaster.

I've written a few death scenes before. Sometimes they are easier because of the length (death can be sudden and unexpected), but longer ones are harder to get just right because you want to do the characters justice. What are the perfect last words (and are they even completely spoken)? Is something in this scene metaphorical? If it's referenced later, I have to make certain every reference to it is accurate (from the recalling character's POV). And, regardless of the length, every important character's death should have echoes throughout the rest of the book. Otherwise, it's just death for death's sake, and that's poor writing (you know who you are).

But sometimes writing a death scene takes an emotional toll on me. I have one in particular that I have a hard time reading out loud because it makes me choke up. You'd think that I, as the writer, who authored their death, who has gone through the scene a dozen times at least, and who could change things at any time, would get over it at some point, right? Well, it hasn't happened yet. Perhaps this is because I love almost all of my characters in some way. I tear up when editing it. I wrote the damn thing, but sometimes it feels like the character's last words didn't come from me but were meant for me.

Writing is weird. Weird and wonderful.

It's also cathartic. Therapeutic. This is why people analyze stories (please analyze mine). Sure, the author didn't INTEND anything by making the wallpaper yellow... but what patterns do you see in the story's colors that reveal something the author didn't realize they put in there, something subconscious? I find patterns all the time in my own writing that look awesome and genius and were entirely unscripted. Does it mean something that the character who embodies ADHD originally died, but now gets revived? Does that mean I have come to terms with and am working with my ADHD instead of fighting it? Maybe. Are there parallels between my character's death and my father's? Good question.

Like, seriously good question. I'll need to think about it for a bit.

This is why I think everyone should write. That doesn't mean anyone else should ever see what you wrote (and, in fact, most people shouldn't let others see it except possibly their therapists). But it can draw out difficult emotions, help you work through things, give you a safe place to release, stoke your creativity AND analytical thinking.

I now get back to it. I still have so very much to learn about so many things surrounding this craft.

Things from GenCon I didn’t know (and neither did you)

I’ve been to going to GenCon annually since 2020, which means my first experience with it was during the COVID lockdown. It’s one of—if not THE—largest board game conventions in the world, and after attending this year (2024), I believe it. If you try to navigate the exhibition hall at the wrong time of day, may God have mercy on your soul.

But I’ve never gone to GenCon as a participant. I’ve always gone as a member of the Board Game Rundown crew. The first year, we were mobile, going around interviewing as many people as we could. The second year, we helped out with a booth giving demos between all the camera work. The then we got a booth! We would run demos, have interviews, all sorts of things. It was a blast! Last year, we did a massive giveaway in an attempt to get more subscribers (which did not have the impact we were hoping).

This is the first year where I have my own booth selling my own product… more or less. My boss graciously offered to give me a 4-foot section of the table to sell my novel at. And let me tell you, I learned a lot.

First off, people do not go to GenCon looking for books. They want games. So I quickly learned that no one was going to approach me—I had to fish for them. There’s a certain look where you *know* that person is a reader, but there are a lot of people who will surprise you. The key, I found, was twofold.

Eye Contact

Greeting

By watching everyone go by, I could see them quickly glance away, a not-so-subtle way of conveying that they don’t want to look at a book and have more important things to be doing. Most of those people were too fast or just smiled and kept walking if I tried greeting them.

But some people would look me in the eyes, and then I had a much better chance of getting them to come over. The best one, I found, was when someone’s eyes were lingering just a little too long on my books/amulets. A quick “Hey there! Do you like to read? Know someone who does?” usually got them talking. Sometimes it didn’t go anywhere, but more often than not, I at least got to hand them my business card/bookmark.

Following up the greeting with something else, either something personal (I see you’re a fan of Hazbin Hotel) or generic (What types of novels do you read?) was key. If I didn’t take that initiative, I would have made exactly 0 sales.

What I learned is that all those people passing by who think they aren’t interested in you or your book just don’t know that they are yet. I had my pitch down... a few of them in fact. When I put the book in their hands and told them my pitch, their body language changed and I could tell if they just went from considering me some annoying salesman to someone offering them a good time (15 bucks is cheap ifyouknowwhatImean). What I found even more fascinating was when I gave them the pitch for my second novel. Every single time, when I got to the very end, their eyes lit up and they said something along the lines of “woah!”

It was very reaffirming.

I thought my sales were lackluster until I talked to the other authors, who seemed impressed that I got the numbers I did with a single book to offer. That told me that maybe I really *am* where I’m meant to be. One reader came back a day later and told me she loved the book and couldn’t put it down and that my main character is her new favorite female protagonist. That was the best birthday present. Later, she’d shared it with friends and they were planning on starting a book club for it!

But it was hard work. Moving around the place is difficult. Food is expensive. Standing (if I sat I would miss out on sales) for 8 hours straight hurts. I figured out that bringing food is the way to go, but with it that crowded, I had to take bites when I could. 

I also learned the art of the upsell. Whenever I was handing them the book, I would then bring up the Surli bookmarks that were covered in puns and mention that they’re a dollar off if you buy the book. Sometimes, that was enough to convince them to buy the book as well!

I’m sure there’s going to be a whole lot more I’ll learn at FanExpo in Chicago in a couple of weekends. One of the best things I do at conventions is talk with the other authors. They almost always have friendly and useful advice and they’ve not steered me wrong yet! Plus, I get to see how they do it, and each one does it differently. Making these connections is unbelievably important.