Another Campaign Done—Another Lesson Learned

The campaign for "Fate & Fortune" ended with a little over 200% funding (though there are some backers that need to update their payment methods).

It was only half as successful as "A Sinister Love." While that is certainly disappointing, at least it made it past the $1000 mark (which is where it pays for the art and editing). This means that I will need to sell it in person and possibly have a second Kickstarter later.

The deluxe edition is a bust, however. The cost of each book goes down depending on how many I order, but at 9, it will cost more to print them than I sold them for. I am going to have to order a lot of them and sell them in person or in future campaigns. 

I did not anticipate the election becoming an issue. However, a lot of authors have told me that it is messing up their campaigns as well. Let's just say that this election, and everything it has touched, sucks. I suppose this means that I will need to be aware of other major events that could mess up campaigns.

I also could not have foreseen the mess-up with the ads. In short, my ad account on Meta was suspended (through no fault of my own) on day 1 and I received no notice of it. I did not discover it until day 5. I'm not sure how to prevent this in the future besides checking all my ad sources on a regular basis. It was a perfect storm of incidents.

The feather/quill bookmarks were not enough of an incentive, apparently, for anyone to share the campaign on their social media. When I sold at NekoCon, people thought they were awesome, and I did end up giving almost all of them away. Perhaps they're just a thing that must be seen live to appreciate. I am going to have to do a lot more for the next campaign...

...which won't be for a while.

There's a lot on my plate besides sending out my newest novel.

I'm having a launch party for my first book on December 7th at the Culture Cafe here in South Bend, so I want to get the word out and see if I can get some sort of interest. There's a small chance I'll have copies of my second there as well.

I am going to take part in at least one anthology (and will be looking for more).

I have to start revising book #3.

I have to finish the outline and rough draft of book #4. (Not to mention numbers 5-infinity)

I have to figure out a timeline for the children's book.

I need ads up for A Sinister Love! I need to get audible to actually post it since they approved of it months ago.

I have several short stories I want to get printed.

I need to make certain my trademark goes through.

I have a video series I want to launch. The first one was already recorded.

I have 2 separate animation projects AND a pitch to work on with my brother.

And on top of all that, it's the holiday season, so there's already a ton to do. The 1-year anniversary of my father passing is coming up and I don't want it to go by without something planned.

So, with that, I must go prepare dinner and do household things. Tonight... well, I'll figure it out then.

Turning Pro

 With only 24 hours left on my Kickstarter (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/asinisterlove/a-sinister-love-by-spencer-hixon), I have to keep my eyes on the future.

I am juggling promotions, ads, new work, adding a newsletter, adding a Patreon, pledge fulfillment (which is a huge thing), and being a dad and husband. And I feel like I don’t know what I am doing with any of it.

You know, like a professional.

They say “fake it till you make it” but I think it would be better to say “act like it.”

I got in touch with an author who has many, many books and who I’ve met several times at conventions. Chris Schmitz. It seems to me that authors run into two “wannabe authors”, those who have a dream (probably 90%) and those who are working towards that dream. So when they heard me asking, as one put it, “the right questions,” they all were extremely helpful and kind. Chris has been and more. He’s treating me like a fellow professional and that means the world to me.

By researching what other authors do, I’m acting like one, right? Who knows if my novels will ever be a financial success. At the moment the Kickstarter will pay for the book’s art and editing. Someday, who knows? I could even do more than break even. But if I don’t, if I’m a failure, it won’t be because I didn’t act like a novelist.

Pounding that Pavement

 One of the things I really need to work on is exposure.

Not that kind.

Starting from scratch without the luck of having any real connections means I’ll likely be forming my base of fans for a long time to come. And I‘m just not quite sure how. Unlike many writers, I’m an ambivert, AKA I’m outgoing and sociable. Sometimes. But that doesn’t particularly help me online. 

• Blog
• Facebook
• Tumblr
• Twitter/X 
• newsletter
• Kickstarter list
• Facebook ads
• Tumblr ads
• Cold calling everyone I know

It’s a start, I suppose. But I decided it wouldn’t hurt to put up some fliers as well.  I mean, who knows? I hung up 15 today in various coffee shops and libraries. I’ve got more to put up in Columbus, OH, if I find the time. And then I’ll get some put up hopefully in the Atlanta area and the DC area, as well as North Carolina.  It helps to have a team that’s kinda spread out.

So here’s hoping that this works, at least a little. Even one person would pay for the flyers.

Fliers.

However you wish to spell it.

I had a feeling there would be complications

Hello everyone!

I wanted to let you all know how my new Kickstarter Campaign is going.

I suppose I’ve been in a rush to get it published. After all, it’s my first! And I suppose I have this idea that if I can write more than one book a year, I’ll really be a professional writer. Well… PUBLISH more than one book a year. We’ll see!

I’ve already had to push things back, however.

The original plan was to start the campaign on the 4th of March and start felling the book on April 8.

Then I found out that we weren’t really ready for it. The video had to be worked on, the graphics, lots of logistics. It got pushed back to the 12th… then the 21st…

There are good reasons, though. A Kickstarter campaign is a lot of work! So is designing merchandise. And since I’ve been told that Monday are the best time to start a campaign, I keep pushing it back by a week…

And last week I had 2 birthdays in the family. My wife was traveling, too (she does that a lot). We have a new kitten. And now there’s Easter, which I am not at all ready for. On top of that, family is visiting! 

I don’t know what this means for things. I haven’t been able to push the book as much as I’ve wanted to. I’m still tentatively starting the campaign on the 1st, but I meet with my publisher tomorrow and we’ll see!

Publication has to be postponed because the printer hasn’t sent us the proofs yet, so I haven’t seen the final product myself! 

Work work work

I thought it would be a good idea to update you all on my current situation (even if most of you are just bots).

I have been hella busy.

• We have a new kitten (8 months) who took a while to acclimate but now he always wants to play and loves yowling at random intervals. However, he is freaking adorable and super affectionate.

• I have been teaching a bunch of junior high kids about writing! And not just "this is grammar" and "this is how you write a 5 paragraph essay" (though I did go over common grammatical errors yesterday), but how to write professionally. There is so much about writing novels that you simply don't learn in school. Hell, I didn't learn this stuff in college; I had to venture out on my own to teach myself. But no, I don't just stop with The Hero's Journey, Scene & Sequel (I formally petition we change that awful name to Action & Reaction thank you), or worldbuilding. I'm teaching them things like how you can't use any lyrics in your book without violating copyright, the different kinds of publishing, query letters, crowdfunding, how to give AND TAKE critique/criticism, formatting, etc. I want to teach them how to actually get a book published. My theory is that they don't teach you this stuff in college because most professors can publish through the university press or go through very different channels, so they simply don't know. I find it fulfilling, even if so far only 2 or 3 of the kids have actually turned in their assignments.

• The next two weeks, I am single-parenting it again. Doesn't seem like a big deal? Yesterday, I didn't get to sit down at the computer until 10 pm.

• But mostly I am working on Kickstarter. In case you were unaware, I am setting up a Kickstarter campaign to help fund my first novel (well, really, to help fund my career as a novelist). It is exciting! However, there's also a lot of learning, trial and error, logistics, planning, etc. In other words, work. I've got most of it ready (and I owe a huge amount of that to my brother (https://www.hixonart.com/) and sister for doing most of the graphics and teaching me basic photoshop skills.
  
  We'll be offering the books, of course, in paperback, hardcover, e-book, and audiobook formats (as read by me). I'm also making these Soul Stone amulets that I think look awesome! I have a crazy expensive tier for one person to take where they get to collaborate with me to make a character for my fourth novel (which is the sequel to the first and the one I am ready to start drafting). My favorite thing, however, are the bookmarks!
  
  They all feature Surli, a Siri-esque digital assistant for demons who has an attitude (not quite Bad Janet from The Good Place but it's a good starting point). One each bookmark, she has a snarky comment about what you're reading and I adore them (and her). "Some of these words are hard. For you." "You're only this far? Ugh, you're so slow." "Is this smut? Does Jesus know you're reading this? I'm so proud of you!" Each physical copy will get at least one.
  
  I've also got some pretty awesome stretch goals, I think. Now, I'm still new to this whole world of book collecting, so I don't have any upgrades to the books (but I likely will in future campaigns), but I do have an amazing artist who will provide more sketched to purchase as well as a full-color image (but we've got to raise quite a bit for that). Backers can also unlock some free short stories that I have yet to write, so they will be exclusive to this campaign, at least for quite a while.
  
  What's left? Well, I need to finish mastering the audiobook (mostly there), I need to get a PO Box, I need figure out the logistics of providing signatures, I have to fix the audio on my video, I need to finish the images (we're still working on the bookmark mock-ups), I need to submit it for approval, I need to start campaigning and spreading the word...

So, as you can see, I am a busy bee. And because of that, I will be signing off. Hope to see you all on the Kickstarter!

Exciting news!

 As I'm sure I've stated before (or maybe I haven't), I have a tentative date for the release of my debut novel, A Sinister Love. 

April 8th! The solar eclipse!

I can't wait. It is exciting and daunting and nerve-wracking all at once. It may not be with a big publisher, but this is still a lifelong dream come true! 

But we're also going to do a Kickstarter for it! We have some pretty good ideas for what to offer you all, but it is going to mean a lot of hard work in a short period of time.

It doesn't help that this is the first time I'll have been on the other side of a Kickstarter campaign.

Here's a list of the things I need to do for it... or at least some of the things.

1- Get a video
    My brother will take care of this, but I need to get him all the information, a breakdown/script of what will be in it. I also need to get interviews in for the video, as well as sounds effects, voice actor(s), etc. I will need to do some research.

2- Make an outline of the campaign page
    I've dealt with plenty of Kickstarter campaigns as a host of the Board Game Rundown. We used to do a segment on what was new to crowdfunding, plus I've made connections with people who have run their own campaigns, both successfully and unsuccessfully. But this is the first time I'll be on the other side of the page. I'm looking at similar projects now to get an idea of what they do.

3- Images
    Part of getting the outline of the page done is figuring out every single image in it so I can assign these to my sister or others to put together for me. This not only means a mock rendering of the novel in its various forms, but of all the merchandise as well. Plus there are headers, stretch goals, and other miscellaneous images that must be made.

4 - Tiers
    Seems obvious, but it's not. Every KS has different levels of rewards you can earn for donating so much money. Offering too few can hurt sales, but so can offering too many. So, my current thought is:

• get on the mailing list
• get the e-book and some bit of merch
• get the audiobook and some bit of merch
• get a signed paperback
• get a signed hardcover
  
• book club tier

I also want to offer a really awesome opportunity for 1 or 2 backers willing to pay. But I'm not going to say what it is. 😜

4- Merchandise!
    As a wise culture once said, "Merchandising! Merchandising! Where the *real* money from the movie is made." Well I don't know about that, but it certainly isn't going to hurt. Plus there are a lot of things I can offer. At the moment, I'm toying with a few ideas but I need to narrow and pin them down. I also realized that one of my characters, Surli (a snarky digital assistant), is perfect for merchandising. Options include: Surli pins, Surli bookmarks, Surli stickers, Surli thumb drives, postcards, coasters, signed digital copies of the cover art, soul stone jewelry, heck even a Surli plush (squeeze it and it insults you!). 

5- Stretch goals
    Most crowdfunding campaigns do better if there are good stretch goals that are achievable. I've come up with a few that I am proud of. First, I have already asked my artist and she is more than willing to produce new art, so one or two of the stretch goals will be to break open new art prints as an add-on. She already did a second piece of art for the book, so one stretch goal might be to offer the choice between two different covers. Not only is more art going to be available, but with enough backers, I will offer non-digital prints of the signed art, even a metal print! Finally, with enough backers, everyone will get a free short story (or two) telling them more about the characters (I already have several in mind that I would love to write). 

6- Shipping and other logistics
    Boring stuff, but super important. I've got to figure out how to ship everything. I'm just one guy, so if this operation goes viral, I'll need to have a plan for how to tackle that. I need to be able to estimate shipping costs to the various parts of the world (if I can find an overseas press, that might help with a lot of it, but they'd likely still have to mail me book covers I can sign and then mail back to them). There are a lot of logistics to consider, include pricing, what pledge manager to use, timing, monetary goal for the campaign, etc.

7- Risks
    Everything carries risks, even if you don't see them at first. I learned from some good friends who have also sold books via Kickstarter that some risks just can't be anticipated. No one could have guessed that a worldwide pandemic would cause the price of both shipping and PAPER to skyrocket, for instance. Now, there are ways to mitigate some of this (for instance, not including the cost of shipping in the campaign, just an estimate, and having the shipping cost be applied during the pledge manager part to eliminate some of the time between estimated shipping and actual shipping). I can only cross my fingers that something doesn't happen that will kill the campaign.

8- Transparency
    I'm bad about updated as frequently as I should, but that would have to change the moment the KS campaign opens. The site would need to be transparent and truthful about timing, costs, shipping, etc. and I would need to keep the backers in the loop regularly.

9- LLC
    I'm not a businessman and I've never taken business classes. But it was brought to my attention that if I start offering a host of merchandise to go along with the book, it might behoove me to start my own business...

There's more, there's always more... and I'm already thinking towards the future.

We are kicking around the idea of having a second Kickstarter later (or just part of the KS for the next book). Having a full-cast audiobook would be awesome. I would love to offer a leather-bound, gilt hardcover with ribbon bookmark and illustrations throughout. Plus, I might be able to figure out some way to make an actual Surli, either an AI or some sort of Siri/Alexa modification. For a later KS campaign, where I have more than a month to pull it all together (and hopefully a bit of a following by then), I would have a second group of Stretch Goals—Social Goals! I've seen this used to great effect in the past. It would be some awesome stretch goal that is only unlocked when enough people fulfill a list of social requirements, spreading the word on social media while tagging someone (and maybe mentioning something related to the book), taking a picture of yourself with either devil horns or a halo and posting it online, etc. I even saw one campaign that included a bunch of puzzles to solve and those who solved them all got a free add-on (less "social" and more "get them excited").
Or, there's always the possibility of... a crossover with another IP...

So there you have it. For the next month I am going to be hella busy. I can't wait, to be honest, but it's still a bit intimidating.

Wish me and A Sinister Love luck! If you have an idea of some piece of merch you would like to see, post it in the comments below.

A Milestone

 BEHOLD Hixonites. I HAVE RETURNED from my cave of hyperfocus. And I bring tidings of joy!

I have finished the rough draft of my third book! At the moment it is a little over 50k words long. I was getting a bit worried there, but I’m sure it will get longer once I go through it again.

That means in 2023 I have written and mostly edited a book (my second, “Fate & Fortune”), written a children’s book (working with the author, my good friend Monica Marier, on the pictures for it, “Brian Buys a Brachiosaurus”), recorded an audiobook, written several small “bathroom reader” type books (rough drafts), and finished the rough draft of another book (Book #3, “A Date with Destiny”)! And it’s only mid-November!

As soon as my cover artist finishes and the formatting is completed, I will also be able to say that I published my first book! I’ll be a published novelist!

I cannot express how pumped I am about this, not to mention how proud I am of myself.

So, I have a month and a half until 2024. What shall I accomplish?

Here’s a list of things I could tackle:

• finish editing Book #2 and send it off to an editor
• hire a cover artist for Book #2
• get my website up and running
• make ads for Book #1 and figure out how to get them out there
• look into events where I can sell (probably author signings and the like—getting a table will have to wait until I have more products to sell)
• “master” the audio for my audiobook and figure out how to get it set up
• record audio for Book #2 OR look into Forteller and see how that process works and its cost
• figure out this whole “social media” thing to start getting my name out there more
• get some short stories into some publications to start getting my name out there more
• look into ARC readers (do I need them?)
• start writing Book #4 (which I’ve already outlined and am SUPER stoked about writing—it continues the story of Scribble and Paul from Book #1. It will be titled “A Sinister Hope”)
• start writing Book #4 (a creative nonfiction piece I’ve been trying to write for years. obviously whichever one I decide to write first will be #4)
• figure out how to link ads to Amazon in such a way that it increases my profits
• edit, format, and finish the bathroom readers
• write more bathroom readers (I’m planning a series of them that, who knows, might become a compendium)
• write and record music to play at the start and end of the audiobook

I clearly will not be able to do all, or even most, of these things in the next month and a half, so I will need to prioritize. And I have several other novels in mind that I want to get to after these, so from the look of things, I have my work cut out for me.

Oh yeah, there’s also Thanksgiving and Christmas, the Board Game Rundown, and family obligations. In addition, my father has Lewy Body Dementia (and probably Alzheimer’s). He’s currently in hospice and we do not know how long he has. For all the wonderful things happening right now, there are some pretty unpleasant ones, too.

Until next time, keep reading, keep creating, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

What I’m up to

For the longest time, year after year, I felt useless. There’s a Christmas song that asks what you’ve done this year, and I hated hearing it because my answer was always the same—nothing. I’d always have some excuse. To be perfectly frank, the reason came down to undiagnosed/medicated depression and unmedicated AHD.

At the beginning of this year, I took care of both of those problems.

So I thought it would be nice, on a personal level, to go over what I’ve accomplished this year.

• I wrote a book in 4-5 months.
• I was in charge of my lodge
• I played music at church every week
• I went to GenCon and Origins as part of the Board Game Rundown
• I hired an editor and cover artist and am now weeks away from having my first book published
• I recorded an audiobook
• I write a kid’s book
• I wrote 2 booklets about serial killers
• I traveled to California AND France
• I helped finally move my parents (an ongoing and massive affair)

I certainly can’t say I have done nothing. But the year isn’t over. So here’s a look at what I am currently doing and planning.

• I’m halfway-ish through writing a sequel to the book I wrote earlier this year
• I am remastering the audiobook
• I am working with an artist on the children’s book
• I am editing book #2
• I am working on a creative nonfiction book
• I just finished outlining the sequel to my first book.
• I’m working on an animation project with my brother and sister
• I’m getting my website up and running
• I have been training at the gym and have made many personal records

My therapist says I bite off more than I can chew. I have to agree with her.

At the start of this year, I was determined to make 2023 my year. And I think I have. For the first time, I feel like I can actually do something, be something, like my dreams are really achievable.

With the book so close to be done and the outline to its sequel finally figured out, I feel like every day is Christmas. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I’m so excited I can hardly sleep!

A Sinister Love

I have finally done it!  I have finished my first novel!  Hopefully soon, you will be able to purchase A Sinister Love and enjoy it yourself.

I started this journey about 6 years ago.  I've dedicated endless weekends and getaways, nap times and nights to the pursuit of this goal.  In that time, I've had 2 kids, moved, discovered that I have early-onset arthritis, and made dozens of friends. The rough draft was finished nearly 4 years ago, but the editing process has been grueling, fulfilling, time-consuming, thorough, and all-too-often side-tracked.  Despite this, I did not relent. Despite the self-doubt that I would ever finish or that it was any good, I pushed through.  Despite giving up TV, games, and really most of my free time, I pressed onward.

I'm stoked. I'm proud. I'm ecstatic that I'll be taking the next step to sharing my writing with everyone.

So, in the days, weeks, months (years?) to come, expect updates from me about my journey through the publishing process.  I do not plan to stop writing, but I do plan to split my time between writing and pursuing publication.

Next on my writing agenda?  I have a number of projects I want to pursue.  In no particular order, the first is a sequel (or two) to A Sinister Love, which is still being brainstormed and fleshed out.  Second, I would like to try to return to short stories once in a while.  Third, I have a creative nonfiction story about a girl with cancer that I wish to tell, based loosely on my family's experiences. It is my hope that these do not take me 6 years to write.

In case you want to know about how I wrote the story, I'll tell you below.  If you don't care, you can get off the train now and no one will blame you.  But I am happy you were here to share in my victory.

So there are a ton of blogs and books and courses on "how to write."  The topic is huge and includes grammar, style, plots, tropes, dialogue, and pacing. Because of this, I will not go into details here. I would say that the general rules I've gleaned are: 1) Know your audience. Write with them in mind, even if "them" is "you."  If you enjoy reading it, chances are someone else will, too. 2) Don't stop.  Write everyday. 3) Don't be afraid of editing. It is your friend.  Erasing huge swathes of your novel is just part of the game.  Think of it more like a chance to replace a flat tire with a brand-spanking-new one. 4) Don't stop. Write everyday. 5) Don't be afraid of critiquing.  Not only should you critique other works (it can really help you out as a writer, too), but you should be open to the criticisms of others.  That doesn't mean to make all their suggested changes; it's your novel, not theirs.  6) Read.

So, first, when I wrote, I tried to set aside an environment for it.  For me, writing in public helps keep me focused, especially if I'm plugged in to some non-distracting music. What that music is changes according to my mood. It ranges from the soundtrack to Koyaanisqatsi to Debussy to Metal.  But most of the time I had to write at home.  Keeping awake was a problem when at home, where being comfy leads to sleep.

When writing, I first outline.  Then I wrote the first draft.  That was the longest one to write, taking a good 2 to 3 years. It was not pretty.  I even had a section that just said, "COME BACK TO THIS POINT AND FILL IN WITH HISTORY." After that, I went over it again, filling in holes, reworking dialogue, and generally working at the grammar.  This, which I called my first draft, I was willing to have a select group of people read.  I did so and got some general feedback.  The second and third drafts were based partly on this, but mostly on my own feedback.

The fourth and fifth rounds of edits were the most important, I feel.  I started taking my work with me, two chapters at a time, to a critiquing group that meets locally twice a month.  It took me a year (I think) to get through the entire piece.  My fellow authors were able to bring a variety of opinions and points of view to my work, and in good detail, highlighting what needed to be fixed (in both small and grand scales) and what needed to stay.  I learned a lot from them, and got to critique their work as well.  The fourth round of edits was mostly addressing their suggestions, and the fifth round was going back and tackling some of the major changes I personally realized I needed to make to the story after hearing their feedback.  Then, after a brief read through, I made the last edits on Tuesday, April 25th, 2017.

...at least until a publisher or agent gets their hands on it.

What a novel idea

For the past *cough* years I have been busy writing my novel, as well as raising a family and being a stay-at-home dad.  Turns out being a stay-at-home dad is still a lot of work.  But I've managed to finish the novel and get through several rounds of edits!

At the moment I am finishing up the most major round of edits yet.  These are the edits that respond to what my critiquing group said about the novel.  Of course I'm not taking every suggestion; it is my novel, after all, not theirs.  But for the most part these are good suggestions and I feel the novel is much stronger now.

The problem is, I am in chapter 30 of 34 in these edits.  And I have learned something about writing a novel.

Edits are like snowballs.  They might start out small, but by the end of the novel, they can be a hassle to deal with.  If you start off with big edits, it's going to be quite a job rewriting the last few chapters to make sure everything fits the way it should.

I just finished a very difficult conversation in the novel, but I don't know if it's good or not.  I can't really tell.  I usually have good dialogue, but at this point I'm just going to rely on that and push forward.  The next chapter is going to be another major rewrite.  Then, I FINALLY will be past the hardest parts.  Once I am past 31, 32-34 should be relative smooth sailing!

And then the hard part begins.  Publication.

A Sinister Love - Temptation

The following short story takes place in the universe of my upcoming novel, A Sinister Love.  I hope you all enjoy this glimpse into the world.  Please let me know what you think and feel free to share the link to this page.

This story is rate PG-13 for mild adult themes.

A Sinister Love: The Temptation

(by Spencer Hixon)

           “Come along, Mud-Face,” the serpentine lizard said as it crawled along the verdant floor of Paradise. 

“It’s Brown-Noser, sir,” replied the smaller lizard that skittered along beside him.

“That’ssss a terrible name.  You should get a proper name, a good name, a name like, ‘Rotworm.’  Now there’s a good name!”

Brown-Noser rolled his yellow eyes.  “Sir, that’s your name.  I’m not going-”

“Then Rotworm Junior.  I don’t know.  Shut up!  Do you remember the plan?”

“Not really, sir.  The last seventeen plans didn’t exactly work out.”  Brown-Noser began to run to keep pace with Rotworm.  It seemed the underbrush in Paradise was no hindrance to the larger lizard’s stride.

“What do you mean?  I nearly had her with the Forbidden Fruit Salad.”

Brown-Noser let out a cute little sigh. “Until it turned out she was allergic to the strawberries you added.”

“Well how was I supposed to know that?  I didn’t know human bodies could do things like that.”

“Don’t forget the time you tried to hypnotize her in her sleep.”

Rowtorm’s forked tongue flicked about as he hissed a laugh. “Oh yessss, that was fun.”

“Or when you tried to throw the Fruit into her mouth when she was yawning.  I thought she was going to choke to death.”

Rotworm stopped and looked at the lizard with a predatory sneer. “Aren’t you suppose to be helping me?  You’re not very good at your job, are you, Dung-Sniffer?”

Brown-Noser stood perfectly still on one of the roots of a large, nearby tree, staring at his superior as if his worried gaze alone could keep him at bay.  “Um… no?”

“And don’t you forget it.  Now, the plan.  Once I have the woman talking to me, all you need to do is knock down the Fruit.  At my ssssignal.”

Brown-Noser nodded quickly.

“Remember my signal?”

Brown-Noser shook his head.

“When I say the words, ‘If only you could reach them.’  Got it?  Good.  Now quickly, scamper up that tree.  Don’t let her ssssee you.”

“Why are we doing this, again, sir?”

“Get going!” Rotworm hissed and watched as his subordinate quickly pitter-pattered his way up the nearby tree.

Several hours passed with Rotworm curled into a ball under the tree's brightly-colored foliage.  He had fallen asleep and was completely oblivious to the dark-skinned, naked, young woman walking towards the tree, following a path of berries.  A path that led right up to the lizard.

“Ah! Get offa me!” Rotworm cried out as she stepped on his tail.

“Ahh!  I’m sorry!” the woman cried and backed up.  “Wait.  Did you just speak?”

“Oh, Eve! It’s you,” the lizard replied, ignoring her question.

“Y-yes, it’s me.  But… you’re not Adam.  How are you… talking?”

“Me?  Talking?  Well of course I can talk!” Rotworm rattled out. “It’s not like animals can’t talk, right? I mean, I’m no demon or anything, possessing this poor creature.  I can talk.”  He gave an all-too-innocent laugh.  He was sure that he was caught.

Eve tilted her head some and nodded to Rotworm. “Well, I’ve never heard other animals talk. And you’re not a demon, you said so yourself. So... are you an angel?”

A stunned expression settled into Rotworm’s features, amazed that his desperate lie seemed to actually work.  Slowly it faded to a smile. “Ah, I see.  You are not used to the acts of prevarication, deception, or fraudulence.”  As predicted, Eve just stared at him blankly.  “Yes, an angel!  I lured.. er… left that trail of berries here for you to follow.  I wanted to talk to you.”

“But how are you able to talk?” Eve replied.

Rotworm frowned.  “I told you, I’m an angel,” he said, but Eve just looked him over.

“You don’t look like an angel.  Maybe you hit your head and only think you are an angel.”

With a sigh, Rotworm said, “Fine, it’s evolution.”  Nothing.  “Anthropomorphism?  Wishful thinking?”  Eve continued to look confused.  “It’s a miracle,” he stated flatly.

“Ah, a miracle!  The Lord has certainly been surprising us with those lately.”

Rotworm let his tongue sniff at the air in front of him as he slinked up to Eve’s leg.  “You know, all of those big words I’ve used aren’t so hard to understand.”  His tail flicked up towards the tree, pointing at one of the bright fruits it bore.  “The Fruit of Knowledge can show you what they mean.  If only you could-“

“But God told Adam that we weren’t supposed to touch it.  I shouldn’t even be here.”

Eve started to back away.  Rotworm, sensing he was losing her, curled around her legs and spoke in the most soothing voice he could manage. “He told Adam, not you.  Besides, there are other benefits to this fruit.  They... uh... contain high levels of Vitamin C.  And they’re great for weight loss!”

“What?  Well, Adam says we’re equal.  If he shouldn’t do it, neither should I.”

“Pssh! If you were equal, why does God always talk to him, and not to you?”  Rotworm nudged her towards the trunk of the tree, and she let him.  “If you eat of this fruit, you’ll already know what God has to tell Adam, so God won’t need to talk to you.  Right?”

Eve held out a hand towards the tree for a moment, then pulled it back.  “That’s true… but then… then I’d know more than Adam.  That’s not being equal, either.”

The smile that formed on Rotworm’s serpentine lips could make a mouse faint at a hundred yards.  “Oh yessss… however will you both be equal?”

Eve lit up suddenly and waved her hand frantically to Rotworm. “Oh, I could give him one!”

“Say, that’s a great idea!  I’m sure he’d appreciate that.  Hmmm... if only you could reach them.”  Silence fell between them.  Eve rubbed at her arm a little.

“Yeah, if only.”

“Ahem.  I said, ‘IF ONLY YOU COULD REACH THEM!’”  With that, Rotworm thumped his foot against the trunk of the tree.  An adorable little yelp was heard from somewhere in the branches.  A moment later, a fruit fell, landing on Rotworm’s head.  He grimaced as Eve picked it up.

“It just… fell.”

“Nnggg... ouch.  Y-yes, fell.  Almost like God wanted you to have it.  You never can tell what the Big Guy really wants, can you?”

“This is perfect!  I’ll bring this to Adam and then we’ll both be equal!”  She started off back down the path but stopped after a few steps.  “How will I convince him to eat it?”

“You could lie… oh well, I suppose you can’t.”  Rotworm looked over the woman, at her full, nubile figure, bathed in the light of the sun, her hair flowing over her pert breasts as the wind caressed her skin.  She was the perfect image of youth and fertility.

“I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

Eve looked down at herself and then nodded to Rotworm, as if for the first time she understood something he said.  She ran off out of sight, the foliage of Eden soon leaving Rotworm alone at the trunk of the tree.

“Mission complete.  Let's get going, Butt-Kisser!” he said and thumped the tree again.  The little lizard fell from the tree.

“Ouch!  What’s the hurry?” he asked.  “And it’s Brown-Noser!”

“Whatever.  We’ve got to get out of these bodies before God decides to dole out punishments.  I don’t want to be in here when he does something crazy, like tear all of its limbs off or something.”  Rotworm hurried away from the tree back the way they had come, his long, thin body winding all around.

“What?  God would never do something like that.  Right?” Brown-Noser asked as he ran alongside.  “I mean, isn’t that a little extreme?”

Rotworm gave him a sideways glance. “Why not.  Have you seen what happened to the platypus?”