Turning Pro

 With only 24 hours left on my Kickstarter (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/asinisterlove/a-sinister-love-by-spencer-hixon), I have to keep my eyes on the future.

I am juggling promotions, ads, new work, adding a newsletter, adding a Patreon, pledge fulfillment (which is a huge thing), and being a dad and husband. And I feel like I don’t know what I am doing with any of it.

You know, like a professional.

They say “fake it till you make it” but I think it would be better to say “act like it.”

I got in touch with an author who has many, many books and who I’ve met several times at conventions. Chris Schmitz. It seems to me that authors run into two “wannabe authors”, those who have a dream (probably 90%) and those who are working towards that dream. So when they heard me asking, as one put it, “the right questions,” they all were extremely helpful and kind. Chris has been and more. He’s treating me like a fellow professional and that means the world to me.

By researching what other authors do, I’m acting like one, right? Who knows if my novels will ever be a financial success. At the moment the Kickstarter will pay for the book’s art and editing. Someday, who knows? I could even do more than break even. But if I don’t, if I’m a failure, it won’t be because I didn’t act like a novelist.

Michiana Mom's Group vs sexism

I've been trying to find a group that has regular playdates for my daughter, playdates with kids her age.  Ever since we moved, she hasn't seen any of her old friends and hasn't really made any new ones that are her age.  This may be my fault, but I am trying to remedy it.

I knew this was going to be a problem when I was out with her at the grocery store the other day.  A family passed by with 3 kids, one of whom was her age.  Now, I thought she would go ballistic because they were in a kid's shopping cart (the one with the little car on front) and she usually goes crazy if she sees anyone else in one.  This time, however, she pointed at the kids and started to shout, "Friends!" over and over.  She wanted me to follow them, and even pointed out where they were in the store the rest of the trip.  It really broke my heart.

I decided to do a little digging.  I'm looking into the Notre Dame Women's group, which sometimes has playdates.  I'm not sure how frequently, however, but they are definitely on my list.  There are a few other moms groups in the area, though one stuck out as head-and-shoulders above the others.  The Michiana Mom's Group on meetup.com had good reviews and sounded like the kind of place Addy would like.  Kids below 5, regular playdates (8-10 a week!), family outings... perfect!  I'm sure she'll have a lot of fun there and make a bunch of new friends.  There's just one problem.

Me.

Apparently, The Michiana Mom's Group can't handle a stay-at-home dad.  This is the charming (insulting) email they sent me explaining why I was not allowed into their group:

Thank you for your interest in our Michiana Moms Group. Our group mostly caters to 5 year olds and younger and while our group does have activities planned for the whole family to be involved in and we do have dads join in on occasion at public events, our group voted that it is just for moms (as we encourage site breastfeeding, private home playdates, post and pre-natal care discussions, not to mention some cultural restraints with men outside the family, etc.).


We hope there are no hard feelings and want you to know that there are some more parent groups in the area on Meetup as well as Bigtent.com and we hope you are able to find what you are looking for. Again, thank you for your interest, we wish you the best of luck.


This, by the way, is printed on their "about" page: We strive to make our group an inclusive, safe and friendly place where we and our children can come together to play and learn, share the common experience of parenthood, and support the neighborhoods in which we live.

This does not sound inclusive or friendly, and it most certainly isn't supporting the neighborhood I live in.  I don't know if I should be more insulted that they think I cannot be mature enough to handle breastfeeding and natal discussions as an adult or the fact that they think this email is friendly and inclusive.  I tried to respond to them, but all my emails are flagged by Meetup.com's spam filter and never sent.

This is walking a very fine line between community support and sexism.  That's right, sexism against a man.  I understand why a group of people, be they men, women, children, or what have you, would want to have a place where only they could meet, a place they could talk freely and openly, a place without judgement or stress, a place of acceptance.  And, I understand that mothers may want to take their kids to that place, especially stay-at-home moms whose kids are not in daycare.  I ask, however, why "mom" is not "parent" in a situation like this.  Let's face it, 90% of our experiences are the same.  Men are capable of being stay-at-home parents, of being nurturers.  We go through the same things every parent does.  I change far more diapers than my wife does.  I'm the one dealing with potty training (and could use help).  Addy comes to me for comfort more than to mommy.  There are very few things that are different, such as breastfeeding.  And there's a really good chance we don't care if you breastfeed - not because we're perverted, but because it's just part of nature and being a parent.  The Le Leche League goes after businesses that tell women they aren't allowed to breastfeed in public.  It seems backwards to me that a mom's group would kick a man out because they're worried about it.

But look at the victim here.  It is not me.  I don't care that they wouldn't include me.  It's my daughter.  She's the one who has to wait now until I can find a less close-minded play group.  She's the one who is not getting the chance to make friends with their kids.  I wouldn't be in the group because I like hanging out with moms.  I would be there to help Addy make friends.  I want her to get into a regular schedule of playdates.  Sure, I'd love some adult conversations once in a while, or some time where I'm not cleaning the house/cooking or preparing meals/acting as the only object of Addy's attention/writing.  But I am used to this being my schedule, I can live with it if I have to.  I can't live with knowing that Addy's best and only friend is currently a cat.  I try to take her to the playground (despite the cold), but she's either alone or overwhelmed by rowdy boys.  I try to take her to events at the library, but she's usually either too old or too young (what a fun day it was when we had to cancel Addy's special treat because she was too young to celebrate Mickey's birthday).  Our outings consist of walks, me chasing after her while she's on a bike, playing together in the yard, going to an empty or way-too-crowded park, visiting the zoo (which is now closed for the season) or a museum (which are small around here and not worth visiting more than once a month, if that), and going on errands together.  Perhaps I just need to find more things to do, perhaps I'm just missing something.  I sure wish someone would point it out.

As I look at the other meetup groups for parents (which aren't nearly as local), I notice a trend.  All the members are women.  I have a feeling I will have to fight tooth and nail to find a group for us if this is the case everywhere.  Sexism, believe it or not, exists against men as well as women.  And, like in all cases, it affects everyone.

It's depressing knowing your kid has no friends.  It's more depressing knowing you're the cause.

Breath

There is very little in your life that doesn't change when you have a child.  Even the minutiae of the everyday grind can alter to the point that you question things you once thought you had firmly established in your life.  Children can make you give up on a dream or take on a new one, quit a job you once loved to spend more time at home, inspire you to inspire them.  This is not entirely surprising; the surprising thing is just how fast this happens.

In 2011, my life changed in the span of a breath.  We were expecting a baby, but nothing can really prepare you for what you are about to face.  I thought I understood this, so I tried not to form any premature ideas of what life would be like with a kid.  Of course there were the obvious changes.  I'd have to change diapers, clean up vomit, lose a lot of sleep, and not curse when my kid is around.  Then there were the things I came to realize only after thinking about it for a while longer, things like not getting to go on as many dates with my wife, having to be a role model, not getting to play video games very often any longer, not cursing when my kid isn't around.  But beyond that, I tried not to over-prepare and instead wanted to take things as they came.

My wife's parents had come to visit for a week, hoping to be there for her when "the time" came.  But the week came and passed and she showed no signs of labor, even false labor.  Of course, the day they left the contractions began.  We were at home, studying up on what to expect and how to have a "painless" childbirth.  Instead of taking Lamaze classes, we had opted for an alternative, the Bradley Method, which is much more informed and informing about natural childbirth.  However, we missed the deadline for those classes, so instead we learned "Hypnobabies."  The idea is to induce self-hypnosis to eliminate pain.  It was fine and dandy on paper, but in action that is difficult stuff to do, particularly for someone who is a natural-born skeptic and scientist.  We had struggled with classes, with practice, with trying bring my wife into a hypnotic state while I was actively editing the error-ridden script I had to read out loud to her every day.  And now we didn't have time for practice; the day had come.  The first thing I did was call the midwife.  The second was call her parents to come back.

I told my wife to find her switch… to turn it to the "middle."  This was to tell her to "shut off" all nerves in her torso… except she was still allowed to move when needed.  My wife wondered how she could move or breathe without her nerves off, always the critical thinker.  We never did ask the instructor.  The midwife was trying to act calm, but after 12 hours with no progress and 5 hot showers for my wife, the stress was starting to form cracks in her veneer. More hours passed and we ended up on the bed.  18 hours of labor and my wife was in the final stages, but the baby made no progress.  I suggested that we try a new position.  At this point all thought of hypnobabies was gone.  All I could do was hold her hand tightly and remind her to breathe deeply between the contractions that turned my wife's face violet.  I felt that perhaps I was failing as a father already because we were unable to have a pain-free birth as we had planned, like the couples on so many of the videos we were shown.  When my wife rolled over, things, however, moved fast, and those thoughts, too, were gone.

When the midwife was talking in a calming voice, despite the stress, it was soothing.  When she spoke faster, more urgently, it became alarming.  But when she fell completely silent, my heart stopped.  The baby came out, the cord tangled around her neck.  Her blue and purple body was limp and lifeless.  I don't know how long the midwife and doula worked on her before my wife started to encourage our baby.  "Come on, Adelaide, breathe!  You can do it!"  We were both in tears over someone we hadn't really met yet.  Another minute passed before the midwife placidly, yet firmly, commanded me to call 911.  To this day, I've never run so fast in my life, but to me it felt like every second was another nail in my daughter's coffin.  4 and a half minutes had passed since Adelaide had been born, and she hadn't taken a single breath yet.  Hypnobabies meant nothing.  18 hours of labor meant nothing.  9 months of pregnancy meant nothing.  All the poopy diapers in the world were irrelevant.  The only thing that mattered was whether or not our child would breathe.  It didn't even matter if we could get her to breathe before her brain was permanently damaged.  I knew we only had around 4 minutes, total, before the damage started, but she was still our daughter and we still loved her.  We just needed her to breathe.  The paramedics arrived and set up their equipment.

Gasp.

We all shared in that one, first breath.

Gasp.  She struggled but her will was strong, something I have come to learn time and time again since that day.  Wheeze.  Every piece of my spirit and body felt such an intense reaction.  I was on a rollercoaster of fear and elation.  She was alive, and so was I for the first time.  The love I shared with my wife only bolstered it, so that everything was so much more intense than I had felt before.  That is what a child – life – does.  It makes everything more intense.  Even one breath.

Addy's quirks

And now a post from my rarely-updated daddy blog!

http://briefcaseandboogers.blogspot.com/

Changing Tables

Until you become a parent, you never really notice changing tables when you're in a public restroom. But the moment that status changes, those little fold-out hunks of plastic growing like tumors on the wall become welcome sights. Without them, you may be forced to precariously balance your child on the hard, cold, narrow, and often wet marble sink while navigating a dirty diaper, a clean diaper, wipes, and a diaper bag. Cloth diapers add to the mix as well, and if the child is poopy... well let's just say almost no one actually cleans the diaper properly. If the sink is too small, the bathroom floor is usually a very bad idea, leaving you to change your child in public!

Now, I am not saying that these changing tables are perfect. Far from it! I should invent a changing table that A) has a place to put/hang your diaper bag so it is off the disgusting (and often wet) bathroom floor, B) Has a place to put dirty diapers temporarily and sanitarily (even cloth ones, so a trash will not do) while you continue the unpleasant chore, and C) has a place to put the wipes and clean diapers. The tables are also often placed in unusual locations... one was placed right next to the automatic flushing urinal, causing it to evacuate its contents ever ten seconds. Another was in the way of the door to the wheelchair stall. But despite these shortcomings, just having a table is a blessing. I can manage the clean diaper, dirty diaper, wipes, wipe bag, diaper bag, wet bag, baby, and baby's clothing.

Here is where we often have a problem. Women's rooms, from what I can tell, usually have a changing table, if not always. Men's rooms, however, rarely do. There is something inherently wrong about going to the trouble of installing a changing table in the women's and neglecting to do so in the men's. It's not THAT much more money. Not only is there a growing number of stay-at-home dads out there, but there are also plenty of dads on outings with the baby, single dads, and dads who want to do their fair share of diaper changes.

Today I was at the Greenville Zoo with my infant daughter. It was just the two of us, and the zoo was mostly filled with moms and their kids. There were plenty of them and only one other dad with his daughter, but we were still there. In order for me to change my baby, I had to have an employee wait until the women's room was empty, then go in and check it, then stand guard while I used it to do the dirty deed. It was a bit undignified, and something that could and should have been easily avoided.

Who knows how long it will be before us fathers are seen as equals on the nurturing front.

Staying at Home

No one ever said that being a stay-at-home dad was glamorous. First of all, there is intense social pressure to "provide" for the family. This usually is taken to mean, "make the majority of the money for the family", even though in some situations, "providing" may mean eliminating the cost of a babysitter while providing quality time for and with your child(ren). It was actually surprising to me just how strong this desire is. I still struggle with knowing I may never get this second degree and may never join the "working world" the same as most men. I have a degree, I have a strong work ethic, and I want to earn my way.

Some of the ways in which this simple bias manifests can be surprising. Let's say that in 2 years I am in a position to look for work again. There I am, sitting down at an interview looking confident and sharp, with a great portfolio and great people skills. The first thing the interviewer asks me is what I have been doing for the past 3 years. After I tell them that I have been a stay-at-home dad, they suddenly lose interest in me. It is as if staying at home has not only emasculated me, but also made me forget how to do my job.

The second thing that makes being a stay-at-home dad difficult is support. This is a two-fold problem. The first is that I am literally taking up the role that women have traditionally taken up; thus I am at home doing chores and taking care of the baby while my wife goes to work and class. She comes home tired and hungry, and I want to make certain I have done enough for the day to pull my weight. I usually end up doing more chores and putting the baby to sleep, since my wife has to get up early the next day to go to school/gym. Sometimes this means that I am so tired after the baby goes to bed that I can hardly get any of my own stuff done (or, as is often the case, do the chores that are hard to do while she's awake). I unfairly feel like I am not getting enough time for myself, while Amy feels that she is not getting enough time with the baby.

The flip side to this is other people. There aren't very many stay-at-home dads (SAHDs), at least not in my area. Usually I end up in groups of stay-at-home moms. This makes me feel just a bit nervous, as if I am intruding on a distinctly female thing. I know in my mind that it is alright, but it still feels wrong. It is also hard because there aren't other SAHDs to talk with and share experiences with. Thankfully, I discovered some online communities that I am joining, athomedad.org and dadstayshome.com. We will see how these two resources help.

I am still trying to figure out how to get my baby to take naps in her crib, which will free up a lot of time for me. For the longest time, she would only nap on me (in such a manner that it was difficult or impossible to do anything else, including using the computer), twice a day, for about an hour to an hour and a half per nap. Without these, she would get cranky and cry all the time. With these, however, I am limited to using the Playstation for big portions of the day. If she can get an hour or even half an hour of sleep in her crib, I'll be able to write every day! There are other difficulties, problems, and situations that arise from being a SAHD, but those will have to be for a later post.

My how time flies...

No new posts since May, huh?

So I'm a terrible blogger. But we already knew that, didn't we? Still, I've decided to try to revive this little thing. It will at the very least force me to write something substantial once in a while.

Here is an update in my current situation:

- My daughter is now 9 months old. Her first word was "light," she has 2 bottom teeth (and more coming in, I suspect), and she just took her first step yesterday (but isn't exactly walking yet). Very exciting!

- I have found a group of friends with similar interests to me! Huzzah! We have a weekly get-together and hopefully can start a writing group.

- I am still teaching myself to play the guitar. No real change there.

- I am now an Assistant Scoutmaster at one of the local Boy Scout troops! It doesn't take too much time, so far, but I am looking forward to going on campouts and helping kids with merit badges. The new Chess merit badge looks interesting...

- My novel has been slow coming. Most of this is due to Adelaide, but there are many other factors that have been getting in the way (like not being able to sleep, traveling home for the holidays, that sort of thing). But I have started it back up and hope to get my writing back on track soon.

- My wife may be defending her PhD thesis much sooner (a year and a half) than we had anticipated. Because of this, I have decided to become the full-time stay-at-home dad. I am looking into UMD as a future alma mater, but may have to take some classes in order to get in. Who knows, we may be moving back to the DC area before I turn 32.

So, there we have it. You, world, have been updated. I will be bringing this blog back to life, but it will be combined with my daddy blog. Also, I may just start up How To Be a Thief again. Who knows?

Slowing Down

So first I would like to say that I am very glad this semester is over. I did not get the straight As I had been hoping for, but I think I did pretty well for a new father.

Now, somewhere in my psyche I figured that I would have tons of time with school being out. The day after my last final, I went to my brother-in-law's Commissioning and Graduation ceremonies. I did not even have the chance to get a Mother's Day gift for my wife!!
When we got back, my wife's maternity leave was up. I had to become the primary caretaker of Adelaide so she could work. And I will remain this way when she goes back to school to pursue her PhD. So far, taking care of her has taken most of my time. The time I haven't spent taking care of her has usually been spent doing various chores. Two days ago, we started a garden next to our house, and now we will have to put a fence to keep it safe from the rabbits that frequent our yard. This has taken a lot of time away from my writing.

Another thing that has taken time away is looking for work. I applied to about 13 jobs recently and had an interview for one of them last week, but no one has yet to call me back again. Hopefully, I will find something soon.

Admittedly, I have been distracted. I've been watching a specific anime whenever I feed Adelaide or find that, for some reason, I do not have access to both of my hands. And since it is a rather addictive storyline, I have sometimes found that I am watching it instead of writing. Likewise, I am still very interested in getting back to my gaming, which I haven't done in some time. These distractions all take away from my writing. So, I am going to have to learn to discipline myself.

Finally, I have hit what has been called the "Muddy Middle." This is the part of the story that is difficult to get through. If you don't have everything perfectly planned it, this is where you get stuck. Essentially, before things start heading towards the climax, and after all the characters and plot have been introduced, there is a dead man's land. You can't just jump straight to the downturn, or else you'll leave the audience too confused. A great way to deal with this literary swamp is to change gears and go into another storyline, a subplot. In my case, I have jumped into the love story. However, in writing this subplot, I have found holes I did not see before. And I have had to fill them in. This has also slowed me down.

So in essence, I have been trudging through the mud, slowly getting through these hardships. In a week I went from about 22k words to about 24k. That is my update. Next week I am going to try to finish the middle and get into the downturn. I'm close. I'm just one scene away to the downturn, but I have to be careful with how I put it together. Wish me luck.

How time flies?

Ok, to be honest, time is not flying. In fact, it is crawling by at the pace of a lame snail. For my wife, however, time does seem to be flying by. This is mostly due to the fact that we have a child to care for now! For me, I am swamped with assignments and trying to make up a lost week. I have a LOT to do, since next week is the last week of classes. So, for me, I count the seconds before I am DONE with this and can spend some time at home and writing.

On that note, writing is actually taking off. Yes, I am busy, so how do I find time to write?

The bus.

I take a bus to school every day. It takes half an hour each way, so I get to spend at least a full hour doing nothing but sitting. So, I have begun taking my computer out and trying up my story. Since I already have the hardest part completed (the Action/Reaction part, which is the outline I am using for the story), I can really let myself just write! It's so therapeutic! Also, if I find I have time to myself and don't have access to the internet (which is needed for just about all of my assignments), I break out the computer and start to type. So, how much have I written since my last post?

16,725 words. That's about 38 pages single-space, or 76 double-spaced. All in my spare time and all since the birth of my daughter. I'm more than 1/4 into the story!

And after I finish, I am looking forward to having people critique it so I can rewrite and improve. I don't want a proofreader who just says what they think I want to hear ("Oh, it's good! I liked it!"). I want a proofreader who will metaphorically hold down my story, slice open its belly, and strangle it with its own innards. I do not pretend to think that my story is actually GOOD. However, I can make it good once I know what is wrong with it.

And, for you proof-readers/critics out there, there is a difference between proof-reading and criticizing. Proof-reading is a positive thing by which you help the writer. Show the writer where the weak points are, what the strong points are, how the pacing works, anything that doesn't quite work for you. That way, the writer can fix it. Criticizing is simply the art of insult. Come up with unique and inventing ways to put something down so that you sound so much smarter than the writer. Your goal is to cater to your own audience and possibly hinder the writer's. Some critics will also think up inventive ways of praising something they particularly enjoy (or are paid to enjoy). These are "professional critics." However, if you can be constructive in your criticisms, then the writer may be able to improve further works by learning what his audience wants. So, critics, please keep in mind that the writer wants to improve. For you. And if you just call the writer "the greatest generator of fluff since the cotton mill," you're not doing anything for your future self.

I digress. Rewriting is something I am looking forward to. I am already not happy with the beginning of chapter 8, so I expect it will take many proofreaders before I am satisfied with the work as a whole. This will likely take some time, but it is not to be rushed. however, I will finish writing it before I go back to edit anything. If I don't, I will NEVER finish.

When school ends, I will be looking for work and taking care of the baby full-time until my wife passes her comprehensive exams. Then I may return to school, provided I do not have a kick-ass job. During this time, I expect to be able to write a lot more. Regardless, it will still take a while.

Briefcase and Boogers

I have a new blog, everyone. The new bog will be the one I use to chronicle my life as a dad. This blog will remain my writing blog. Check it out: Briefcase and Boogers

So, not too long ago, I learned that you can make a LOT of money by selling ebooks on a Kindle. This is a really good thing. It will revolutionize the publishing industry and how authors make money! Finally, we'll make enough money to earn a decent living! It will take some time, but this is my new goal. I plan on writing some things to release on the Kindle and possibly the Nook! :) What do you think?

Last night I finally finished the preparations for writing my very first novel. It is entitled Sinister Love. Today, I shall begin the process of writing it. However, Amy is still pregnant (no baby yet!) and it's her birthday! So I don't expect to get much writing done today.