A Treatise on Free Actors

Yeah, warning, "politics" ahead. I was told to avoid politics, but the things that are now sorted under that term are things that should very much not be associated with politics.

Free Thinking is a phrase that gets thrown around enough that it is in danger of losing any appreciable meaning. This is a phenomenon called "semantic satiation." There are a lot of words that suffer from this, and, as a writer, I try keep on top of things like that. I tend to avoid superfluous words and phrases, but I seriously doubt anyone can avoid them all. Such phrases are part of the human experience.

Unfortunately, it's not always as benign as this. "Socialism", "Capitalism," "Fascism," "Nazi," and "Freedom of Speech" are examples of terms that have been overused and misused to the point of them losing any real meaning for most people. But in these instances, it's not an accident. There are those who know that saturating the zeitgeist with these terms waters them down, and that's mostly because they're either terms that describe the people who don't like them or terms that threaten their agendas. 

"Free Thinking" is getting there, but it's not there yet. It's hand-in-hand with "Freedom of Speech." There is a difference. Freedom of Speech refers to government censorship, but by misusing and overusing it, people now evoke it whenever anyone disagrees with them or whenever someone says something that is utterly awful and doesn't want to suffer any consequences of their words.

I've noticed people using phrases like, "You're just afraid of free thinkers," to defend their terrible ideas and attack university education. They use words like "nonconformist", "maverick", "individualist", and "iconoclast." The problem is that none of them are, indeed, free thinkers.

Most of the time, "free thinking" refers to religious situations, but it can also apply to political ones. It's supposed to define people who refuse to accept socially accepted terms, boundaries, and ideas. They certainly understand them, but instead of letting themselves be defined by a certain term ("I identify as a democrat, therefore I must be pro-choice"), they use these terms to help describe who they really are, and usually this means they don't fit perfectly into any specific group of people. Right now, I've seen more and more people use this word and words like it to defend their conspiracy nonsense or justify doing terrible things.

Free thinking is fine and all. I think everyone should practice it; I'm concerned that very few people actually are. But it is secondary to what I feel is a problem that is plaguing this country, and in fact, the world.

What happens when you turn thoughts into actions?

Such "free actors" can change the world. They become inventors, innovators, writers, artists, activists. But they also can become despots, behind-the-scenes manipulators.

Why am I bringing any of this up?

Because someone with a conscience, a working mind, who does not limit themselves by certain concepts, and who is willing to act on their morals, is rare and is needed now more than ever.

I've come to this conclusion by watching what's happening in Venezuela, Israel, Russia, and the USA. Some manipulative, narcissistic monster is given power and starts giving orders, orders which are objectively evil and frequently illegal. And the result? People do it. 

I thought that, when the military was sent as a police force against its own people based on an obvious and provable lie, the military would refuse this order. It's a clearly illegal order and members of our military are required to disobey illegal orders. But it happened.

I thought that, when hired to demolish part of the White House, no contractor would touch the job until it was handed down to them by congress. It takes seconds of research to find that the president does not own the White House and has no say in such projects. But contractors were all too happy to demolish a part of our history, no questions asked.

Trump has been ordering and doing things that still make me sick to my stomach and surprise me in their audacity and wickedness. And yet, no one is stopping him. 

In an ideal world, there would be enough free actors around that they would, at the very least, provide substantial roadblocks to things like this. I understand that dictators fill their government with cronies and yes men who enable this shit, but at some point down the line, it comes to normal people to do these things. Considering how unpopular the current administration is, you'd think there would be pushback, that ordinary people would realize how much they outnumber these sycophants and monsters. 

This is OUR government, OUR people, OUR country. A random announcement or tweet should not be enough for us to surrender a little bit more of it to a felonious child rapist. We need more people willing to act in defiance of this burgeoning fascist state.

Don't know what I am doing...

 Let's be honest here, I'm betting about 11 people will read this, and 7 of them will be bots. 

When it comes to crafting an excellent story, I'm your guy. When it comes to getting a following... not so much.

I honestly don't know how to do this. I'm going to try to learn how to market myself, but I have ADHD. From what I can tell, marketing is a LOT of consistent work, which is something I struggle with. Habits are not things I form. So when I'm told I have to post VIDEOS (I'm a writer and have no right being in front of a camera) 4 times a day... My brain shuts down.

Seriously, how can anyone do that? I can't think of that many things to talk about! And if I did, they wouldn't be interesting or apropos. Which I suppose brings me to the real issue.

I am doing this alone.

All those authors on BookTok, they have people. Either someone with knowledge/time is helping them, they have a team, or they have a budget. Or all 3. I don't. The rest are super-type-A people who scare me. Being a "content creator" is not something I've ever desired. If I was asked to choose between producing drivel but getting personal fame or producing good, meaningful work but no one knows I did it, I would choose the second in a heartbeat. I want my WORK to be famous. I don't want to be. Just knowing that people are reading something I wrote fills me with a sense of satisfaction and joy, even if they never know it was me. (That being said, I am not about to promote plagiarism. I'd rather have no name attached than someone else's.)

I looked up the cost of a marketing team and holy crap on a carp, I cannot afford that. We're talking 6 digits.

I have had great help from my brother and sister, and great help from my editor, artist, and publisher. But none of them have the ability to dedicate the kind of time I need to do the things I want to do. It means 1) I end up waiting for someone else while I sit in Limbo or start working on a future project, 2) I end up having to figure out how to do things myself. I am *truly* grateful for the work they've done, don't get me wrong. I couldn't do this without them. But I want to work at a faster pace than I have been. Making a Kickstarter campaign takes a huge amount of time and thought (which makes it so much suckier when it fails due to ad shenanigans and an election). That's time I could spend writing/revising/editing/reading. 

I'm working against the clock, here. I'm 43 now, and I've only got so much time left before my brain decides to self-destruct. If I publish 1 book a year, by the time I am finished with what I am currently working on, I will be 55. And believe me when I say I will never run out of ideas for novels. Good ones. I got started late and I'm scrambling to make up for all that lost time.

If all I do is write, no one will know my books exist to read them. If all I do is promote, I'll have nothing to promote. 

This seems to be a sucky pattern in my life. If I am given a position of authority or power, I end up faltering. As leader of my lodge, I had a ton of great ideas and got to implement none of them because I just couldn't get anyone motivated enough to actually partake. When I was doing my Eagle project, a parent tried to take over for me because the volunteers kept running off to work on my brother's project instead. I had to tell him that it was MY Eagle and I had to be permitted to fail. I recorded a "how-to-play" video for the Board Game Rundown which involved writing a script and working on the camera work and all sorts of things. I never got to see it because it kept getting pushed aside for other videos so the editor never got around to it. I had so many ideas for fun videos but I couldn't get anyone to *do* them with me. I have failed at *so many things* and I don't want this to be just another failure. I can't do it on my own, but I can't rely on others, either.

If I had the equipment and know-how, I'd have a little bit better of a chance. But honestly, what I need is someone who knows what they are doing and can do it in a timely manner. There's a big difference between posting 4 videos a day and posting 4 *good* videos a day. 

Being neurodivergent *really* doesn't help.

Another Campaign Done—Another Lesson Learned

The campaign for "Fate & Fortune" ended with a little over 200% funding (though there are some backers that need to update their payment methods).

It was only half as successful as "A Sinister Love." While that is certainly disappointing, at least it made it past the $1000 mark (which is where it pays for the art and editing). This means that I will need to sell it in person and possibly have a second Kickstarter later.

The deluxe edition is a bust, however. The cost of each book goes down depending on how many I order, but at 9, it will cost more to print them than I sold them for. I am going to have to order a lot of them and sell them in person or in future campaigns. 

I did not anticipate the election becoming an issue. However, a lot of authors have told me that it is messing up their campaigns as well. Let's just say that this election, and everything it has touched, sucks. I suppose this means that I will need to be aware of other major events that could mess up campaigns.

I also could not have foreseen the mess-up with the ads. In short, my ad account on Meta was suspended (through no fault of my own) on day 1 and I received no notice of it. I did not discover it until day 5. I'm not sure how to prevent this in the future besides checking all my ad sources on a regular basis. It was a perfect storm of incidents.

The feather/quill bookmarks were not enough of an incentive, apparently, for anyone to share the campaign on their social media. When I sold at NekoCon, people thought they were awesome, and I did end up giving almost all of them away. Perhaps they're just a thing that must be seen live to appreciate. I am going to have to do a lot more for the next campaign...

...which won't be for a while.

There's a lot on my plate besides sending out my newest novel.

I'm having a launch party for my first book on December 7th at the Culture Cafe here in South Bend, so I want to get the word out and see if I can get some sort of interest. There's a small chance I'll have copies of my second there as well.

I am going to take part in at least one anthology (and will be looking for more).

I have to start revising book #3.

I have to finish the outline and rough draft of book #4. (Not to mention numbers 5-infinity)

I have to figure out a timeline for the children's book.

I need ads up for A Sinister Love! I need to get audible to actually post it since they approved of it months ago.

I have several short stories I want to get printed.

I need to make certain my trademark goes through.

I have a video series I want to launch. The first one was already recorded.

I have 2 separate animation projects AND a pitch to work on with my brother.

And on top of all that, it's the holiday season, so there's already a ton to do. The 1-year anniversary of my father passing is coming up and I don't want it to go by without something planned.

So, with that, I must go prepare dinner and do household things. Tonight... well, I'll figure it out then.

Transitioning

 This is a very strange and important time in my life.

I certainly had not anticipated being in Ohio this past weekend.

My plan had been to have my book just about ready to publish at this point so I could release it on Black Friday. That’s now 5 days away and I’m still waiting on things that are out of my hands. It may well be that I don’t make this deadline, but I won’t worry about something I have little control over. Plus, I am still riding the high of getting the final render of my art, finishing the rough draft of book #3, finishing the audio for the audiobook, having finished the plotting of book #4… For the first time in my life I feel like I could actually be something. This, writing, is what I was born to do, what I want to do. 

But life is more than writing.

And it doesn’t last forever.

When I got a call from the hospice telling me my dad is in the final stages of his “transition,” I dropped everything (almost literally—I was helping a friend move) and made the 5-hour drive here. He hadn’t opened his eyes in a week, his body had started shutting down, and he hadn’t responded to anyone in days. They told me the end was “imminent.” When I arrived, he was only taking about 5 breaths a minute and his oxygen levels were very low. But he did open up his eyes and look at me. For about 3 minutes I could have believed that he was about to get up and ask what we were all standing around for. Now he is resting, the “little death” of sleep. 

They call it “transitioning” and I can see why. It is comforting, for us and for our departing loved ones. For those of us who are religious, it reminds us of the hereafter. And it evokes a feeling of change. The change in the transitioner is obvious, but it is also a change for those left behind. We must take the lessons their life taught us and forge ahead, bringing their good with us. It is a time to think back on all the ways they changed us and vice versa.

There comes a point when there are more memories made than to be made—none of us really want to think about that and so we don’t, not until it is near the end. I may well be there now. Thinking back, dad has lived a good life. He was a good man, a good role model. At times, his was a lesson on what not to do, but even when he failed, he didn’t give up. When I pass, I want those made memories to be good ones, for me and for my loved ones.

So, it is not a bad thing that I will likely miss this deadline of mine. Even if I had total control over it, life events like this one are more important. But I will remember the lessons he taught me. I will not give up. This roller coaster of emotions is temporary and will pass. And perhaps the high of getting published is in some way negating the feeling of loss. I like to think, however, that it is the good memories doing that. As my dad continues his transition, and I continue my own, I will keep those good memories in mind.

A word on words

 I remember when we entered “The Information Age.” It was around the late 90s. The internet was booming and data was the new big influence on the economy.

Then we entered “The Disinformation Age.” That started somewhere around 2010 or so, maybe earlier. We started seeing websites promoting conspiracy theories and actual “fake news.” Certain news agencies ramped up their political bias and began spreading outright lies or not reporting news that their political party did not like. There were a few major bad actors that most of this came from which were then spread far and wide. We began seeing “deep fakes” and photoshopped images. Over time, it became harder and harder to tell what was true, what was a reliable source.

And too many people don’t want the truth. They want comfort. They will believe anything so long as it aligns with their politics and makes them feel good about themselves. They’ll allow, ignore, or outright defend heinous acts because of some lie they read or watched. Hatred and bigotry became commonplace.

Then, in 2016, we entered “The post-Truth Era.” We are still there. Truth has become subjective to an absurd degree. If you repeat a lie loud enough and often enough, it “becomes” the truth in the eyes of those willing to listen. Little lies won’t cut the mustard; lies must be big and ridiculous. I have listened to conversations where otherwise intelligent people take some piece of untrue propaganda as obvious truth so they can vilify others. It is not commonplace for politicians to completely lie through their teeth and then get supported by their party’s media outlet to further spread the lies.

But words matter. Truth matters. You can’t make something true by simply repeating it constantly. It is high time we entered “The Consequences Age.” We need to know that telling lies is not acceptable, that you can’t just get away with lying because it sounds good.

If we don’t tell the truth, then words have lost their meanings.

Yay Capitalism.

 Hello Hixonites!

Yes, I just came up with that term. You can all call yourselves that now.

I have been working hard to get this book done, though I'm working on other projects as well, and I'll be on vacation in a week so I'm trying to get done what I can before then.

As such, I thought it would be nice to finally utilize the domain name I've been paying for for several years now. I have a free site using Wix, and that's the same place I purchased my domain through.

What I find awkward is that I cannot use that domain, even though I'm paying for it, without upgrading from a free site to a not-so-free site. So what should cost something like $15/year will end up costing more like $219/year.

... yay.

Here's the rub. I want to be a successful writer, And making money takes money. I have no delusions that my debut novel will be some amazing, runaway bestseller or get any movie deals (but, honestly, it would make for an awesome movie or series). But I have to keep costs in mind.

If I sell my book at $15 and it costs, say, $7 to publish, that's a supposed net profit of $8. Let's take taxes out of that, assume 1/3, and that gives me a profit of about $5.33 per book sold. Now, there's going to be a cost to ship the book, most likely, and I don't know what that would be.
But now let's add in the cost of an editor and cover artist. For the sake of easy calculations, I'll estimate it all to $1200. Yeah, not cheap.
In order to pay for that, I need to sell about 225 books. BUT I also need to pay for advertising and I haven't looked into that, yet. How many more books must I sell just to break even?
Except now with this website nonsense, I wouldn't be breaking even. I'd need to sell at least 3 books per month to pay for the website.
If I go to a convention, I would need to pay for the table. Let's say it's $300. Just to pay for that table would require I sell 56 books.

I'm a new author, with a debut novel, no agent, an indie press, and minimal fame (if you can call 3.3k subscribers to the Board Game Rundown "fame").

Seems fairly obvious that breaking even with one book it not going to happen for a long time, if at all. I *need* to get more books and gain an audience. If I can sell 1k books online, I'd be cooking.

But all this ignores one, final, deadly calculation.

My value. I did the calculations. My first novel took a long time to write, probably about a year, give or take, if you only count the days I was able to write. And taking the time spent, that could've been 6 months full-time. But my second novel took about 4 months to write, but that wasn't full-time. If I wrote it full time it might have taken a month. That's ~160 hours.
If I want to make just $15/hour, I'd need to sell 452 books per month BEYOND what I would need to sell to break even.

This is kinda daunting and depressing, is it not? Writing has been my life-long dream. It was always in my plans, even when I wanted to be a paleontologist. But unless I write a LOT or make it big, there really isn't much money in it. I'm blessed that I have a loving, supporting wife who makes a lot more money than I'll ever make (I'd need to sell well over 1k books a month just to get close). And I do know and have met authors who earn 6 figures writing.

If I lived in a society that places human values over money, artists would get a stipend. But how do we do that? Well, everyone is an artist deep down inside. Instead of subsidizing oil and corn or throwing ungodly amounts of money at military contractors (and before you claim that we need to have a strong military and lowering their budget would make us weak, I'll have you know that the Defense Department is the ONLY federal agency that has NEVER passed an audit), we should just give everyone enough money to survive.
Some of us would be happy just having enough to get by, but most of us would want to earn more than that. However, having enough to get by means we can take risks. If I wasn't married to my wife, I would need to have a full-time job and write on the side, which is very difficult to do. If I didn't have to worry about having food and shelter from the elements, I would probably just write books because I know that if I fail, I'm not going to starve to death or end up on the street.

Sadly, we have decided that human value is directly tied to your income. By that rubric, I am worthless scum, for I cost a lot more money than I bring in. Forget the fact that I'm a stay-at-home dad who does chores around the house all day, volunteers at numerous nonprofits, and plays music for my church pro bono. According to capitalism, none of those things matter.

I like to think that they do. And so does art. Even if I touch just one person, I've made a difference with my writing. One of the things that keeps me going is the idea that my book(s) will be someone's favorite(s), they just don't know it yet. 

The Forever Family Emergency

Hello dear reader,

I do say "reader" because if you are reading this, you are probably the only one.

Something I've been going over with my therapist (yes, I have a therapist, everyone should have a therapist) is the fact that I tend to give myself far too much to day and then get overwhelmed. I need to give things a priority.

Priorities change.

As I'm getting ready to finish editing a novel on Friday night, I essentially get a desperate plea for help from my sister 250 miles away. Like a good person, I pack up and make the 4+ hour trek in the middle of the night.

To truly understand this situation, you're going to need some background.

My dad has hydrocephalus, which means there is essentially water on his brain, which is leading him to have dementia and what is more than likely Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's runs in his side of the family, so watching him deteriorate is like looking down the barrel of a gun that'll go off in 40 years.

My mom has had... issues her whole life, and I recently discovered that they are all symptoms of a mental disorder called "OCPD" - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. This is not OCD. If you have OCD, you are compelled to do something but you don't really have a reason for it, you don't even want to be doing it but you don't have a choice. You must do it and if you don't it'll eat you up until you do. But with OCPD there is a thing you are compelled to do because it is Right and Good and only You can do it and Your Way is the Only Way to do it and No One Else can help you and God Help Anyone who tries to stop you. Another way of seeing it is that someone with OCD might seek treatment while someone with OCPD doesn't believe they have any condition at all and will likely resist treatment. It also comes with fun comorbidities, like hoarding. My mom has an issue with cleanliness... but she also has piles of crap everywhere, they're just sterile piles of crap. Oh, and then there's the manipulation, including breakdowns, lying, gaslighting, "I'm the victim" mentality, and undermining.

She believes she can care for dad, but she can't. Even the doctors said it is not a safe situation. For instance, 3 weeks ago, he blacked out and had to go to the hospital, which turned into dangerous, life-saving surgery and a 20-day stay. In the end, this was going to be a good thing, as it meant dad was going to have the treatment he needed. But some social worker put in some hospital notes that my dad was being belligerent. Well, yeah, it's called "sun-downing" and "recovery from brain surgery." But because of that note, the social worker pretty much ensured that no memory-care facility will take him now. And while my mom and sister were checking out the only one that would take him (which turned out to be a hard no), another social worker tried to get dad discharged, which meant he would have to go to the terrible facility or home. 

So I drove there to try to help get him home. Of course they decide not to discharge him when I arrive, and I end up wasting a whole day just trying to deal with my mom's OCPD. I gave up writing, I gave up playing music for church, I gave up recording the Board Game Rundown to help get my dad home, and of course an hour after I leave, mom is trying to force my dad to do things he doesn't want to do and they are yelling at each other. If he gets too defensive or belligerent, he could seriously hurt her and not mean to.

This is the problem.  I would call APS but now I know it will do absolutely no good. And my mom still insists on doing this all on her own. She needs help, in-home care at the very least. But she'll never accept it. She won't give us enough information to start an insurance claim. She won't let us assist her. She can't give up her obsession with things being clean. She utterly refuses to do anything about the piles of junk that have sprung up (oh my word, this story is the TIP if a massive shitberg that I just don't have time to write here). And she almost immediately started to lie to me and my sister and try to gaslight us. If you know me and my history, you'll know I find lying to be abhorrent. It's bad enough my son does it, but he's 7. My mom!? 

This situation is much larger than I've revealed here. When I tell people (generally professionals, like therapists or the Alzheimer's Association doctors, what have you) the whole thing, the reaction is always the same: "That's a really tough situation you're in." Yeah, I know. I'm watching my dad's brain deteriorate, knowing that may well be my fate, while my mom just makes it all infinitely worse and prevents us from helping. Tough doesn't come close.

This is all happening as I'm trying to get my first book published, starting an animation project with my brother and eldest sister, and trying to write/film a how-to-play. I'm feeling overwhelmed and my depression keeps trying to take hold again.

I can't wait for writing to become a priority again.

Is This How We Should Judge Society?

   by: Spencer Hixon

 "U-S-A! U-S-A! We're number 1! We're number 1!"

    It's a pretty common thing to hear nowadays. Has been for decades, and I can't exactly blame people for believing that the United States is the best country in the world. Americans have made so many advances in technology and science and have controlled the flow of culture that the world would be an indistinguishable place otherwise. From literature, movies, and fashion to feats of industry, business, and medicine (and so much more), this country has made an indelible mark on nearly every life.

    But we are not without our problems.

    The United States is indeed number 1 in terms of money (1), Olympic medals (2), and military spending (3). But we are also number 1 in incarcerations AND incarceration rates (4), mass shootings in developed countries (5), guns, guns per capita (6), and school shootings (7). We appear to be a very violent people. But believe it or not, I'm not here to talk about guns.

    We have other problems, such as the 582,000 US citizens who are homeless (8), the 37.9 million US citizens who are in poverty (9), and fact that 6.7% of US citizens use illegal drugs (10). We are the most prodigious consumers of drugs in the entire world.

    But this article isn't about those things either. Then again, it is about all of them.

    When we are trying to determine how well a country is doing, perhaps the best place to look is to its foster care.

    The foster system in the US is, to put it mildly, broken (11). It's something no one seems to want to deal with. "Adopt, don't abort" is a nice sentiment, but if you do nothing to improve the adoption system then you are contributing to a host of problems in a feeble effort to deflect blame and claim some higher moral ground. Dumping kids in foster care is a terrible thing to be doing when the system seems designed to put them out on the street.

    Few people, it seems, are aware of the facts. I would like to change that a little.

• Over 50% of the homeless in the US were once fostered
• 40-50% of kids in foster care end up homeless within 18 months of aging out
• 65% of foster kids don't have a place to stay when they age out (12)
• Almost 20% of our inmates were once fostered
• 70% of foster kids who age out are arrested before they turn 26 (13)
• Foster kids are 3 times more likely to drop out of High School. Only half finish school
• Only 3-4% of fostered kids graduate from college with a 4-year degree. (14) This is in contrast to 36% of the general population
• Foster kids are 42% more likely to die than non-fostered kids (20)

    These do not equal a working foster system. What's worse, a disproportionate number of foster kids are black (15). Children of color in the fostering system wait longer to find a home than white kids do (16). They are more often abused.(17)

    So let's follow the conveyor belt of the fostering system.

    A child, through no fault of their own, ends up in foster care. In the first year, she lives in 4 different homes. (18)The child suffers abuse at the hands of their foster families and even other foster kids, but she isn't believed and nothing is done about it. Due to ever-changing family situations, neglect, or the fact that she ends up getting pregnant as a teen, she drops out of high school. After 15 or 20 homes (19), the child is too old for the foster system and is put out on the street. With no shelter, no money, no skills, no GED, and no family, she becomes homeless. In order to survive, she steals, turns to crime, turns to drugs and is subsequently arrested. Her child is born, but taken by the state due to neglect and put into the foster system. Chances are high that she will die young.

    The foster system is self-perpetuating. It is often poorly regulated. It contributes to many other problems in society. Yet we ignore the plight of these kids. Why?

    There are under 400,000 kids in our foster system right now. The government spends only about $15 billion on them, coming out to around $15,000 per foster kid per year. That is more than the US government claims makes someone poor (21) in most states. Yet that money clearly isn't being used well.

    This is a problem we can solve. It might take time, but increasing our spending on foster care, decreasing the amount of money lost by the system, adopting federal regulations, and providing housing and education for a certain number of years after aging out would do amazing things for these kids. In an ideal world, healthcare would be free for them for life, they would have a universal basic income, and a college education wouldn't cost them a dime. We obviously do not live in an ideal world.

    By this rubric, how we are handling our kids in foster care, the US is far from number 1. Yet, if we bothered to care and tried to solve this problem, it would improve the lives of every citizen and make this country stronger and better. We're the USA. We can do this.

    The catch is, do we want to?

Dear Bagger

As a person who cares about the environment, I'd like to make an open letter to every supermarket bagger out there.

But before I get to that, I would like to point out that in recent years, when you are getting groceries, they've just started assuming you want plastic.  Paper is still available and it is better for the environment (at least, if you live in an area with methane collectors on its landfills, which is in an increasing number of areas).  Paper bags also don't break as easily, can be reused, and hold more groceries. Many have handles now.  They're more sanitary than reusable cloth bags, too.  (I'm not saying don't use cloth bags - I do - just know the danger.  I personally like using collapsible crates.)


Now onto the letter.

Dear bagger,

Why did you put my grapes, which are in a plastic bag with a handle, alone in another plastic bag with a handle?  Seriously, I could have carried the bag of grapes.  Are you afraid someone is going to see me leaving the store with grapes and get terrible ideas of what I am going to do with those things?

When I told you not to use the bag you just put a single box of cake mix into because I wanted to carry it, why did you take the box out and then crumple up and throw away the bag?  Has it been sullied?

Do I want my single gallon of milk in a bag?  No.  I never want it in a bag.  It has a handle and it's pretty obvious I'll be wheeling the entire cart of groceries to the car, so it's not like my hand will get cold in the 10 seconds I'll be touching the thing.

In what world will a 3 lb. bag of apples be so heavy that you must double bag it? Those things can carry 17 pounds before they start to break.  So please, a bag of flour?  One bag is enough.

In short, plastic bags, which often can't be recycled, should be used a bit more sparingly.

Please.

Age after Age

Yes yes, I'm still alive and all that jazz.
And I'm sure I've lost all my readership.

I've been trying to write, but it has been a slow thing.  I don't want to make excuses.  Suffice it to say, getting overwhelmed with work is a vicious circle.
I plan on getting back into the grind of things this week.

So I thought I would make this post today to bring to light some news on one of the passions my wife and I share - the environment.
Call me a tree hugger if that's what floats your boat, but in this day and age, it would be remiss of you to ignore the overwhelming evidence that the environment is changing, and we are the cause.

But this post isn't about trying to convince you that the environment is changing.  If you want to argue it, I point you to this resource.  Just look up whatever argument you have, and see how it has been thoroughly and completely debunked by actual science.

No, the point of this post is actually names.  In particularly, the name of the age.
Some of you might know that Mesozoic Era, that of the dinosaurs (another subject I am very passionate about), consisted of the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous Periods (which are also split into numerous stages).  A few of you might know that after the Mesozoic came the Cenozoic, the current era, and that we are currently in the Quaternary Period.  But, as I said earlier, these periods are broken into small stages, or "epochs."  A very select few of you may say that we are currently in the Holocene Epoch, or even the smaller subdivision of the Meghalayan Age (did I mention I'm a nerd?). If you are one of those people, I commend you!

But you might be wrong.

The scientific community is currently debating on the first change of epochs since, well, science.  From what I can tell, the only thing stopping them is determining the exact year of the change, which is currently likely to be somewhere between 1945 and 1964.  That means a good portion of you may have been born in a different age and epoch, as we may now be in the Anthropocene Epoch and the Homogenocene Age (though I may be wrong about that second one).

Why this change?  Anthropos is Greek for "man."  This is the Epoch where man has changed the environment to the point where every part of it has been influenced by our actions.  Since the mid-twentieth century, more than half of all wildlife on the planet has died, and 90% of all large fish have died.  The cause?  Pollution, climate change, and over-hunting.  We, humans, have affected the Earth so much that we now have an Epoch.  Most of these epochs are marked by extinctions, and this one is no different.  We are, indeed, in the middle of the 6th major extinction-event of the planet, and we are the cause of it.  If we aren't careful, we'll be marking the end of the Cenozoic as well, but let's hope it doesn't get that bad.

Which leads me to a final point.  There is another "age" we are in, supposedly.  We live in the "Information Age."  This is a 20th and 21st century historic age defined by a rapid shift from an economy based on industry to one based on information (computers and the like).  At this point, I'm sure I've bored you and you've moved on, so now I can get to the real point of this blog post - a secret letter to my wife.

The macarons are good.  Take some with you to work.

Now, back to the blog post, just in case someone really was paying attention.

I propose that we have left the Information Age, as of 2016.  I propose that we are entering the Misinformation Age - an age where truth has become harder and harder to determine, where news is formed by lies and social media, where governments make entire entities dedicated to influencing people through fake news and propaganda (such as the Russian-based Internet Research Agency).
There is a new Artificial Intelligence software that has been implemented to write simple news stories with language that makes it indistinguishable from human writing.  I worry about this because I am trying to make it as a writer, and I don't want some computer muscling me out of the market.  Experts worry about this, because it could be used to flood the internet, and even news shows, with entirely made up news that would be almost indistinguishable from real news - lies that you couldn't tell were lies.  This could topple governments.  For now they are trying to keep this AI under guard.

The problem is, history tells us that attempts to prevent progress always fail.  It will happen.  Combine this with the increasing levels of complexity in photo- and video-manipulation, with the computer programs that can put any words you like into anyone else's mouth (yes, these are real), and I fear for the future.  We know there are agents out there whose sole purpose is to sew discord, to fan the fires on both sides of any argument they can.  This sort of thing should scare all of us.  And it both follows the model of Orwell's classic 1984 as well as puts it to shame.

The victor may write history, but the anarchist writes the future.

Power Overwhelming

Hi.

My name is Spencer.

And I'm an altaholic.

What is an altaholic?  Well, it means I play video games (or at least I used to).  It means I play MMORPGs.  It means that WHEN I play an MMO, I generally make a lot of characters.

For instance, my favorite game of all time, City of Heroes (may she rest in peace), allowed me to have something like twelve characters per server, and there were some twelve or so servers (rough estimate, I can't really remember the exact numbers).  I had easily eighty characters on that game, and each one had a back story, and I played each one (some more than others). Of course, only two or three of them made it to max level. Can you guess that I'm a writer?

There's just something satisfying about being a hero and saving the day.

I play Gemstone 4, a text-based MUD (Multi-User Dimension) and have quite a few alts on that game, but it is more intense in its player interaction, and the drama at times is too much.

I've been playing Lord of the Rings Online (LoTRO), and have tried to break that trend.  I have one character I actually play, a Beorning (think "werebear").  And I like her a lot.  But I do somewhat miss the ability to just jump around from one life to another.

Sadly for all of these games, writing has taken its toll.  City of Heroes/Villains is alas no more, but I never have really replaced it.  I love GS4 and my friends in it, but it seems I have less and less time, and when I don't show up I feel guilty and then stop answering/looking at emails from friends about it.  I haven't played it in months because I've been so focused on finishing my novel.  And though friends from college are trying to get me to play LoTRO with them, the timing is terrible because of the kids.  I feel guilty asking my wife to feed, bathe, and put the kids away once or twice a month on a Saturday so I can play a game online, even though I spend most of my time with the kids and do not often get to spend time of any sort with adults.  And now my second- and third- favorite games (Starcraft and Guitar Hero/Rock Band, because let's face it, they're close enough to the same game) have come back into my life, but I feel guilty again when I try to play them during my free time, because I could/should be spending that time writing.

For me, a formerly-avid gamer, becoming a writer has been a sacrifice.  Combined with being a stay-at-home dad of two, even my hobby of brewing beer has taken a major hit.

But it's not just my hobbies.  I used to be very social, and, as I mentioned before, I now have only a few opportunities to spend time with adults. I've joined the Masons, but can only meet with them about once a month, and I'm much younger than most of them.  I have friends who come over once a week to play board games.  And I go to church with the family once a week.  But I do not have work mates.  I do not have nearly as many friends as I used to.  I do not have any family in the area except for my kids and wife.  You must remember, I'm an identical twin, so having someone with me all the time is part of how I was raised, of how I think.

This week, my wife went out of town and I had the kids.  This isn't the first time this has happened.  But it *is* the first time this has happened while both kids were able to walk/run around, to get into things, to get on each other's nerves (as well as my own).
It is exhausting.
I get up by 6:30 (and being a night owl, I'm unused to this) to get my daughter off to school on time. I spend the next hours playing with my son, who now wants to get into everything and chase the poor kitties. While he naps, I try to get some work done in finding an agent. Usually I have to hold him to get him to sleep, and if I put him down he wakes up cranky.  Lunch happens at some point, and if I need to go out, I have to do it after he wakes up. But I have to be back early to pick my daughter up from the bus. By 3, she's complaining about being hungry (even though I just gave her a snack) as I feed the baby. By 4, I've been arguing with her for an hour about getting her five minutes of homework done. Cleaning has to happen while I watch them. Normally, I get dinner started at 4:30 to 5, but luckily I was able to get a bunch of pre-made tacos this week. Still, I've had other things, like dance and making food for the Masons, that have taken up that time instead. After dinner, there's a brief period for play (and cleaning/feeding the baby more), followed by bath and bed time at 7. She's hopefully actually IN bed by 8, and I'm sitting there with over-tired baby who is fighting sleep until 9:30 (I need to work at getting a sleep schedule down for him). And then I'm dead tired and just go to bed. Of course, he often wakes up a few times at night, which can lead to hours of lost sleep.  I understand now why my wife turns in so early.  Previously, I got up at 7:30 to 8:30, when the baby woke up.  I went to bed somewhere between midnight and 2, usually because I'm writing at night.  It's amazing how much more energy it takes to care for the kids with no relief.

How do single moms do it?
I can only imagine that they have some sort of support system of friends and family that I mostly lack. Either that, or they make enough money to afford a nanny or daycare.  Because it's not like I can just choose to stay up later.  I'm exhausted at night. I'm lucky I haven't fallen asleep before the baby does.
So hats off to single moms and dads.  You are the true heroes.

Fear and Loathing in DC

Congratulations, America, on your purchase of a Trump!  Trump will be a good addition to your home if you remember three simple rules.
1) Do not feed your Trump's ego after midnight
2) Do not let your Trump near camera or TV lights
3) Do not let your Trump get wet.

In all seriousness, however, we, as a nation, are going to be led by this man who may very well be the least qualified person not currently in jail.  That is not to say he is not qualified.  He does meet the requirements: He was born in the US, he is over 35, and he has lived here for the last 14 years.  But that's where his qualifications for this job cease.

I have my fair share of friends who voted for Trump, and I asked many of them what they saw in him and why they were voting for him.  The answers were mostly nonsense.  They want change.  They don't like Obamacare.  They feel he is a party-man.  They like his ideas.  Hillary is guilty of x crime.  Hillary is a liar.  Hillary laughed at rape.  EMAILS!
When asked about the crap Trump says he wants to do, the answers were all-too-familiar.  The checks and balances will stop him.  These are actually good ideas.  It's just politic/locker room talk.  He didn't say/mean that.

Before I delve into this rant any further, I want to make my observation.  Stephen Colbert pointed out a poll that said 4 out of 10 Americans feel the other party (than their own) is dangerous.  That is to say, 40% of republicans think the democrats are a danger to the country, and 40% of democrats think the republicans are a danger to the country. An article claimed that this was an election "of fear." I also read a comment on twitter that, unlike previous elections, the losing side is not simply depressed, angry, and sad.  They are in real fear.  This fear sets this election apart from all others, and is not a good start to what promises to be an eventful presidency.
My observation is this:

The republicans are afraid of Hillary because of what the GOP claims she might do.  The democrats are afraid of Trump because of what he says he will do.

This is not an "us vs them" argument.  Trump's words are on tape, video, twitter, etc.  You can look them up yourself.  These are not fear-mongering attempts to control the undecided voter; these are the actual hopes and promises of the presidential candidate himself. We are afraid because he makes us afraid, not because our party wants us to fear him.

Now for the boring part I'm sure you'll skip. Yes, it's a rant.  I pride myself on being able to look at both sides, and usually I am pretty fastidious about where I get my sources, how truthful I am being, and how honest I am being with myself.  Like everyone, I slip, but unlike everyone, I have the time and training to actually research.  I want to attack these things one by one.
- When I heard someone claim that they are voting for Trump because they want change, they tell me that they don't care if it is positive or negative change... or they deflect.  Change for the sake of change is not a good thing.  Change must be productive, and well-thought-out for it to be beneficial.  If you are working on the bottom rung of a company and hear that there are going to be "staff changes," you would be smart to start looking for a new job in your free time.
- They don't like Obamacare.  Well fine.  It is not perfect.  I've seen people who have been burned by it, though far more people depend on it.  Removing Obamacare is going to cost us a lot, all of us.  But what are you going to replace it with?  The current plan is to get a plan.  This is irresponsible.  You are willing to put millions of people's insurance at jeopardy without knowing what is going to replace it?  Last I hard, Trump said everyone will have to pay their own way.  That is a death sentence to tens of thousands.  That is a step backwards.  We, as a society, should be beyond that.
- Trump represents the party.  If this were true, wouldn't GOP members be flocking to him, instead of bailing out left and right?  He has never represented the party - and that is part of his appeal.  He is the outsider, the man of his own ideals and ideas, however flawed they may be.  The PARTY is bending to HIS will, not the other way around.
- I don't know how anyone can like his ideas and consider themselves a normal human being.  The wall is pointless (it will not work), expensive as hell (trillions, plus maintenance costs), and paying for it is a debacle (Mexico will not pay for it, but Trump has *said* he wants to put SANCTIONS on them, our ally, until they do.  International bullying?  What the Hell!?).  His economic plan is, essentially, to bankrupt America and then "work out a deal."  His plan to end abortion is to punish the women.  He has no healthcare plan.  He wants to deport every illegal immigrant AND THEIR LEGAL FAMILIES en masse. He wants to end the 1st Amendment to make it easier for him to sue the media (and who knows what other crap that will cause...).  His gun plan is to have more of them. His plan to deal with terrorists is to waterboard them (or worse) and then "go after" their wives and children. These are actually things he has said.
- Out of every crime people like to accuse Hillary of, from murder to rape to controlling Bill's accusers to being a security risk, she has been investigated by competent, real people who would like nothing more than to put her away for a long time and in every case it turns out there either isn't enough evidence to even present it to court or it was made up.  People are hypocrites when it comes to her automatic guilt in crimes, but Trump's automatic innocence.  He has been embroiled in far more lawsuits, including 3 rape cases, charity fraud, racist rental policies, and racketeering.  There's still a chance he will be in jail - as a felon - on inauguration day.  No, Hillary is not nice or likable, and there really is some shady stuff in her past, but none of the stuff she is actually guilty of holds a candle to what Trump has been found actually guilty of.
- I have to laugh when people tell me Hillary is a liar.  But it's true.  She is a liar.  She has lied quite a bit.  According to politifact.com, as well as every other reputable fact checker out there, she has lied between 13% and 17% of the time.  Here's where more of the hypocrisy comes into play.  These fact checkers have determined that Trump is also a liar.  About 53% of the garbage he spews from his mouth is a lie.  That means he lies more than 3 times as frequently as Hillary does... and his lies tend to be worse.  He has more "pants on fire" ratings.  They aren't even imaginative lies; half the time he's simply saying that he didn't do or say something that he definitely did or said (on tape, in front of thousands of people, or on twitter).  I cannot abide lying, and I hate it every time I heard one from Hillary, but Trump?  The very thought of him makes the pit of my stomach give out.
- Hillary did once defend a rapist because that was her job and she was appointed to it.  It would have been remiss of her (and possibly illegal of her) not to do so.  And she won, like a good lawyer should.  Had it been Trump, the GOP would be praising him.  Years later, she was in an interviewing laughing about not trusting polygraphs anymore after that case.  No, she never, not once, laughed at a rape victim.  Listen to the audio.  It's online.
- The emails, GOD THE EMAILS!  How often has she been exonerated, and how much the people blew this out of proportion.  When Comey decided to show his colors (turns out the FBI is heavily Trump-leaning) and announce that he was simply investigating emails that mentioned Hillary, an announcement that is highly unethical and simply not done, its timing could not have been more suspicious, and its impact could not have been more auspicious.  Although she was again exonerated, the damage was done, and most analysts agree that Comey single-handedly handed the election to Trump.  If there is a God, Comey should spend the rest of his life behind bars. I'm more worried about the fact that he will turn the FBI into some sort of secret service.  Oh... I'm not bragging or being hyperbolic.  Under Hoover's command, that's exactly what many politicians and agents thought of the agency.  It has happened before, and it may well happen again.
-The checks and balances or other politicians will stop him?  What, like they were supposed to stop him from being the nominee?  Right now he has the majority in both sides of Congress, the GOP will refuse Obama's final Supreme Court Justice nominee and give the SC to the GOP.  ALL he is lacking is a supermajority.  He has executive orders now.  The checks and balances will mean shit.  The other members of his party would crawl backwards to attend to his every whim, just as they have ever since he was their nominee.  Besides, shouldn't you NOT be trusting in the checks and balances to stop a madman?  Shouldn't you INSTEAD not VOTE for the madman?
- These are good ideas only if you are a terrible person.  If you have any sense, you should see them for the crap that they are. Every bit of progress our country, perhaps the world, has made is in danger of being undone.
- No.  Shame on you.  This isn't locker room talk.  I would never say that in a locker room.  I would not be friends with someone who would say that in a locker room.  I would never even THINK the shit that comes out of Trump's diseased mind. And I hate him all the more for implanting such horrific thoughts.  No, this isn't politics as normal.  Trump is not a politician.  Yes, he lies when he thinks it will get him his way.  But these promises? Even if half of them are lies, the other half would still be true.  You all need to take the things he says seriously.  Chances are, he means them.

WHEW!  You made it through the rant.  Now if you are a rabid Trump supporter, you are either ready to (or currently?) write up a scathing rebuttal full of things you believe to be true, but, given time, I will gladly show you are false.  I'd ask that you save us both some time and just don't.  Because this next little bit is the important bit.

Trump lost.

Trump lost the same as Bush lost.  Neither man should (have) serve(d) in the White House.  Neither man was elected by the people.  They were elected by the electoral college, an outdated and extremely flawed system that is susceptible to gerrymandering (which the republicans have done in spades) and corruption.  There is some old and misguided idea that rural areas need to be protected, so their votes are worth more.  That very thought is anti-democratic.  It is anti-American.  But that's one of the reasons the last two republican "presidents" were not voted in by the people.  And look at them.  Bush was a laughing stock.  He had an abysmal approval rating.  He plunged us into debt.  He had negative job growth.  He started endless wars that he didn't pay for, predicated on a lie.  By any agreeable measure, he is one of, if not THE worst president in the history of the United States.  And now he's about to get Trumped.  No, I am not giving Trump his fair chance.  I do not think he deserves one.
And if you want to defend the electoral college, try me.  But I guarantee you that if Hillary had won on electoral votes and Trump on popular votes, you would also be decrying the idiocy of this backwards system.

A final thought.
This election was important for a lot of reasons, and failed in them all.  One reason, however, remains of vital importance and could well make this the single most important, and worst, election in history.  In other elections, in other years, no matter how bad it got, there was also the promise that in 4 years, we'd get a chance to boot the "bad" guy out and put another guy in who can undo all that damage.
We don't have that promise this time.  I'm not saying Trump will do something like declare himself president for life (but I wouldn't put it past him).  No, I'm saying that the damage his policies could have on our environment are not something that will go away, that we will recover from.  Ever.  There likely will be another president after him, and then another...  but they won't be able to undo the damage to our eco-system.  This is a man who believes that climate change, which is now confirmed as real AND as human-made, is a hoax invented by the Chinese.  This is a man who said that he wanted to ABOLISH the EPA to make it easier for businesses.  Now he wants to put the world's leading Climate Skeptic into position over THE EPA. He has said that he wants to destroy the Paris Climate Agreements. I cannot imagine a scenario worse than this. At this time we are experiencing an unprecedented level of extinctions (1,000 to 10,000 times higher than natural rates). In the last 40 years, we've lost HALF of all wild animals.  75% will be gone within three lifetimes.  And by 2070, the coral reefs may be beyond repair.  To you, these might seem like numbers.  But what they mean is that, unless we act *NOW* to mitigate the damage, we may well have triggered events that will see the end of our species.  After all, you can't eat money.
Trump may be our president.  But if he follows through on what HE IS SAYING HE WILL DO, he will also be our downfall.

Theft

Today, I was with a writing group trying to plan out a chapter.  We got to talking and I wanted to get their opinion on my latest short story, Cheat.  When the girl next to me read it, she told me that she had actually read that piece a couple days before on a website I've never heard of.

The poster may or may not have said that s/he did not write it.  But the site is not very searchable, so we were having trouble finding the piece, particularly since the site is NSFW and we were in the middle of a Barnes & Noble.  She doesn't think that they credited me with it.

Apparently, the piece did well and a lot of people "liked" it; so many, in fact, that it was featured on the site.

Now, here's where things make me angry.  I don't mind that people like the piece of a NSFW site.  That's fine.  I am glad people enjoyed it!  I am even glad the person didn't take credit for it.  But I didn't get credit for it, and I didn't give permission, and I wasn't asked.

I cannot tell you how infuriating this is.  Here I am, trying to build an audience, and a golden opportunity like that slips away under my fingertips.  It makes me realize 2 things:

1) My pieces WILL get stolen

2) I could probably get a bigger audience if I specialize more.

So now I get to figure out what my next move will be.  I could stop putting up short stories altogether, but I'm not sure how much that will help me.  I suppose I could instead simply collect them for publication.  But if I do that, I need to do something for exposure, to gain an audience.  I could find a niche and go with it.  If so, what niche?  Any ideas?

Michiana Mom's Group vs sexism

I've been trying to find a group that has regular playdates for my daughter, playdates with kids her age.  Ever since we moved, she hasn't seen any of her old friends and hasn't really made any new ones that are her age.  This may be my fault, but I am trying to remedy it.

I knew this was going to be a problem when I was out with her at the grocery store the other day.  A family passed by with 3 kids, one of whom was her age.  Now, I thought she would go ballistic because they were in a kid's shopping cart (the one with the little car on front) and she usually goes crazy if she sees anyone else in one.  This time, however, she pointed at the kids and started to shout, "Friends!" over and over.  She wanted me to follow them, and even pointed out where they were in the store the rest of the trip.  It really broke my heart.

I decided to do a little digging.  I'm looking into the Notre Dame Women's group, which sometimes has playdates.  I'm not sure how frequently, however, but they are definitely on my list.  There are a few other moms groups in the area, though one stuck out as head-and-shoulders above the others.  The Michiana Mom's Group on meetup.com had good reviews and sounded like the kind of place Addy would like.  Kids below 5, regular playdates (8-10 a week!), family outings... perfect!  I'm sure she'll have a lot of fun there and make a bunch of new friends.  There's just one problem.

Me.

Apparently, The Michiana Mom's Group can't handle a stay-at-home dad.  This is the charming (insulting) email they sent me explaining why I was not allowed into their group:

Thank you for your interest in our Michiana Moms Group. Our group mostly caters to 5 year olds and younger and while our group does have activities planned for the whole family to be involved in and we do have dads join in on occasion at public events, our group voted that it is just for moms (as we encourage site breastfeeding, private home playdates, post and pre-natal care discussions, not to mention some cultural restraints with men outside the family, etc.).


We hope there are no hard feelings and want you to know that there are some more parent groups in the area on Meetup as well as Bigtent.com and we hope you are able to find what you are looking for. Again, thank you for your interest, we wish you the best of luck.


This, by the way, is printed on their "about" page: We strive to make our group an inclusive, safe and friendly place where we and our children can come together to play and learn, share the common experience of parenthood, and support the neighborhoods in which we live.

This does not sound inclusive or friendly, and it most certainly isn't supporting the neighborhood I live in.  I don't know if I should be more insulted that they think I cannot be mature enough to handle breastfeeding and natal discussions as an adult or the fact that they think this email is friendly and inclusive.  I tried to respond to them, but all my emails are flagged by Meetup.com's spam filter and never sent.

This is walking a very fine line between community support and sexism.  That's right, sexism against a man.  I understand why a group of people, be they men, women, children, or what have you, would want to have a place where only they could meet, a place they could talk freely and openly, a place without judgement or stress, a place of acceptance.  And, I understand that mothers may want to take their kids to that place, especially stay-at-home moms whose kids are not in daycare.  I ask, however, why "mom" is not "parent" in a situation like this.  Let's face it, 90% of our experiences are the same.  Men are capable of being stay-at-home parents, of being nurturers.  We go through the same things every parent does.  I change far more diapers than my wife does.  I'm the one dealing with potty training (and could use help).  Addy comes to me for comfort more than to mommy.  There are very few things that are different, such as breastfeeding.  And there's a really good chance we don't care if you breastfeed - not because we're perverted, but because it's just part of nature and being a parent.  The Le Leche League goes after businesses that tell women they aren't allowed to breastfeed in public.  It seems backwards to me that a mom's group would kick a man out because they're worried about it.

But look at the victim here.  It is not me.  I don't care that they wouldn't include me.  It's my daughter.  She's the one who has to wait now until I can find a less close-minded play group.  She's the one who is not getting the chance to make friends with their kids.  I wouldn't be in the group because I like hanging out with moms.  I would be there to help Addy make friends.  I want her to get into a regular schedule of playdates.  Sure, I'd love some adult conversations once in a while, or some time where I'm not cleaning the house/cooking or preparing meals/acting as the only object of Addy's attention/writing.  But I am used to this being my schedule, I can live with it if I have to.  I can't live with knowing that Addy's best and only friend is currently a cat.  I try to take her to the playground (despite the cold), but she's either alone or overwhelmed by rowdy boys.  I try to take her to events at the library, but she's usually either too old or too young (what a fun day it was when we had to cancel Addy's special treat because she was too young to celebrate Mickey's birthday).  Our outings consist of walks, me chasing after her while she's on a bike, playing together in the yard, going to an empty or way-too-crowded park, visiting the zoo (which is now closed for the season) or a museum (which are small around here and not worth visiting more than once a month, if that), and going on errands together.  Perhaps I just need to find more things to do, perhaps I'm just missing something.  I sure wish someone would point it out.

As I look at the other meetup groups for parents (which aren't nearly as local), I notice a trend.  All the members are women.  I have a feeling I will have to fight tooth and nail to find a group for us if this is the case everywhere.  Sexism, believe it or not, exists against men as well as women.  And, like in all cases, it affects everyone.

It's depressing knowing your kid has no friends.  It's more depressing knowing you're the cause.

Competition

I've never been fond of competitions.  Deep down I think I suck and that I'm wasting my time and life and that all of this I've done is for nothing.  I think of the people who are more successful than me, who have several published books and may not necessarily have even taken any writing classes.  I think of my friends who have done more with their lives, or they have done what I want to do but better.  Perhaps I am worried that I am still the consolation prize winner.

This is not just about writing, but writing most certainly applies.  When I was in Tae-Kwon Do, I remember seeing other kids my age, or younger, get favored by Master Lee.  They got to tell the story of how they kept an egg with them and safe for a month in order to earn their black belts, while Master Lee just glossed over my brother and me.  The one time he asked me to demonstrate something, it was a kick I had never been shown nor had I heard of it.  He then let Danny (his 10-year-old star and lead of the Demo Team) do it in my place, again.  In school, I stopped going to the "award ceremony" at the end of the year because I knew none of the awards were for me.  I always have felt like I was a step behind my peers, while at the same time I was being told I was smarter than they were.

Even now, as an adult, I cannot help but feel behind.  No one is here to tell me I'm smarter or better than anyone else, and it's not about being told anything.  It's about results.  As a blogger, I have a small following and I lack the artistic skills necessary to make my blog truly successful (though, yes, I'm sure I could practice with my eons of free time).  My short stories are not often commented on or shared.  I still have not been published, and part of me is afraid to try.  I have come to terms with the fact that I simply do not have the time to become an accomplished guitarist and will have to make do with being a mediocre one.  I am trying to make friends, but most of the people I meet are academics and it is easy for me to imagine them looking down at me.  Those feelings you get when you're a kid don't really go away, they just hide until an inopportune time.

Now I'm taking part in this Dark Crystal contest and I am... nervous.  What makes me most nervous is the fact that I am really putting effort into this.  I'm working on characterization at the moment, and next I will flesh out the plot lines more deeply and make them interlink.  I've determined 5 separate themes that I feel should be maintained in order to truly be a Dark Crystal novel.  I've read 3 of the 6 supplementary books (I'm awaiting a 4th, and hope to find the 5th soon).  I'm taking part in the forums (my ID there is Skekspeare).  I've even looked at some of my competition.  In November, I am having the story critiqued by fellow writers.  I have put aside my own novel, as well as other interests of mine, to pursue this.  And, of course, there is absolutely 0 guarantee that I will be in the top 5, or even the top 500.  I am nervous now that someone else, who may not have put in this much effort, will be a better fit for them.  I'll even admit that I'm worried a friend of mine will win.  I know of at least 3 who are participating.

It is wrong of me to wish that my friends do not do well, to be jealous of their success.  My brain knows that, although my writing may be fantastic, it is not the only factor determining the victor.  They are looking for style, for someone to expand their world in a vision that excites them.  But my mind does not know this.  It has become Bitching Betty, screaming "Pull Up!" in my ear and telling me to eject.  I've always been led to avoid things that are hard and risky.  I remember when I first showed an interest in playing the guitar.  My mom told me that the music industry is difficult and there really isn't much money in it.  So, I didn't play again for 15 years.  I wish now that I had never stopped.  Since I'm putting a part of myself into this story, I am truly afraid that it is not worthy, that I am not worthy.

I suppose I should say that by not quitting, I am making myself worthy.  But when your head is in the game, it's hard to see past the game.  Only time will tell what I shall think of this experience.

Blackmail?

As some of you may know, my wife and I just moved.  Within 2 weeks of our move, however, our Jenn-Air wall oven had a break-down.  We had baked dinner and the door refused to shut all the way when my wife took the food out.  She couldn't figure out why.  When she tried to shut it again, it did indeed shut, but the locking mechanism had caught and the oven door refused to open, nor would the oven go into "baking" mode.

Now, I had called someone to try to handle the situation, and he got the oven to open, but that was it.  Anything else required a part.  He told me the oven was suck in "self-cleaning" mode and wouldn't bake or unlock.  Before the part arrived, however, I remembered that we have a home warranty through Home Warranty of America (henceforth called HWA).  I canceled the ordered and called HWA.  They sent out a man through the company they contract through, Julie's Used Appliances.

It took a little longer than I had hoped for the man to show up, but he did show up and told me that the oven's faceplate needed to be replaced.  He didn't mention the lock or the self-cleaning mode.  He said he'd call me back later that day to tell me that he ordered the part and how much it would be.  A week later I called Julie's to find out why I hadn't been contacted yet.  The girl who answered the phone proclaimed to be the girl who does all the "cleaning."  Her words.  She didn't know anything (so, why did she answer the phone?).  I then called HWA, who ALSO didn't know anything, because Julie's hadn't yet gotten in touch with them.  An hour later, HWA calls me back and tells me that Julie's didn't bother getting in touch with them because they were going to cover the cost of the faceplate in the $75 I already paid them.  Huzzah!

Two days later, HWA calls me back rather late at night.  It turns out that there was more wrong with the oven, which Julie's didn't tell me about.  The *gasp* locking mechanism needed to be fixed.  Who could have guessed?  And THAT part they don't cover.  Why?  Because it is part of the self-cleaning mode.  I guess they don't consider child safety to be important.

At this point we've been without an oven for 2 weeks.  If you know me and my family, we like to cook, which includes baking things in the oven.  I called Julie's first thing the next morning and spoke the the guy who looked at the oven, but he was in a rush and said he would call me back in half an hour or so.  Several hours later I called back and got the cleaning girl again.  I told her to leave a message for the repairman - to go ahead and order the locking mechanism part even though it isn't covered.

A week later and I finally get a call saying the guy is on his way.  I ask him about the locking mechanism and he acts like he's never heard of this.  Obviously he didn't get the message.  So he doesn't show up after all and instead orders the locking mechanism part.  I told him that I had to leave in a week to go out of town, and I gave him the number of my in-laws who would be home.

Let's skip ahead.  My wife and I are getting off the plane back in the states and we plug our phones in for the first time in 10 days (we didn't have a data or calling plan for the UK and didn't want to be billed for roaming, so we took out the batteries).  Lo and behold, I have a message from Julie's saying he'll be at our house.  Guess that even though I left the message of whom to call with him, he still didn't get it.

The day before he had come by to fix the oven (I guess it took that long to get the part).  But when he does, he apparently discovered that the board was fried.  So he replaced the faceplate, but nothing else. The oven still doesn't work, and now the faceplate he replaced is fuzzy and unreadable.  It was at this point that I got angry.  I wrote an email to HWA, telling them what had happened and urging them to reconsider their contractors.  I also reviewed the company online, stating only what had happened and that I am very dissatisfied.  This post, which you may hopefully agree is not much more than a factual account of what had happened, is more opinionated than the review I left.

Today I called them and wanted to know what was up.  My in-laws told me that they were supposed to be here on Monday, but that was two days ago, so I wanted to know if they would ever show up to fix the oven.  The woman who answered the phone told me she would call me back and that she would get in touch with the repairman.  Now, I told her that I was dissatisfied, and that no one had EVER called me back, so I hope she can understand my position of doubt that I would hear from her.  Amazingly, she did call me back.  Apparently she read my review.

"I see you wrote about us.  hmm.. I don't know what that's gonna get you..."  These are HER words.
"Are you blackmailing me?"
"Blackmail?  I don't think this is blackmail."
"Refusing to do service or charging me more because I am a dissatisfied customer and left a factual review supporting this sounds like blackmail to me."

She said she would have a guy here tomorrow.  Now we'll see what happens.  Apparently we should not review people online until we are done dealing with them.  But, apparently, she doesn't understand that, as the customer, I am not going to lay down and take what she's dishing out anymore.  HWA doesn't cover the repair, so if her company deals poorly with me any longer, I am going back to the first guy.

What do you think?  Is it blackmail?  I understood her comment as asking me subtly to remove the review, so you could see removing the review as the thing she is strong-arming me to do.